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I think he's in denial what can I do??

Looloo76
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My dad was diagnosed with rectal cancer last week, he's only just told me yesterday & he brought over all the leaflets he was given as I asked him to do. I read all of them & tried to have a chat about it all but he's not one for talking and never has been. I said about support groups for things he doesn't want to chat with me about but he said he doesn't want to tell me anything or have people telling him what to do! I think he's going to try and do this on his own but what can I do? 

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    Hi, Looloo, your dad has only just been diagnosed so I think he probably needs to get his head around it.  It's a huge thing being told you have cancer for both patient and carers.

    In 2014 when I was diagnosed I decided not to have radio or chemotherapy and my family were devastated.  My cancers are incurable and at 70 I was not going to put myself through anymore discomfort.  I have had a good year of holidays, fun and normality.  I know I will get worse, but I would have anyway - my family now are happy with my choices.

    Your dad may well start to talk to you in the future when having cancer becomes more familiar to him.  Just give him time.  I go to a few support groups and have never seen a man at any of them.

    Look after yourself, Looloo, it's hard watching someone you love when they are ill.II

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    Hi Looloo

    I can relate to your post as when my husband received his diagnosis he was just the same. He did not want to be labelled as ill with cancer nor did he wish to discuss it with anybody unless absolutely necessary and we had been married for over 34 years at that time. Diagnosis is a very difficult time for everyone involved and it can take some time to grasp what it all entails and what happens next. My husband just wanted as much normal life as possible and whilst his 'withdrawal' was emotionally hard for me it was how he needed it to be. All I can really say is I told my husband how I felt and then said I would respect all his wishes but that I loved him loads and was always 'a word away' when he needed me or decided to be more open.  Further into his journey with cancer he allowed me to attend appointments with him so I could hear first hand what was happening and this gave me a small insight into his feelings of vulnerability but he rarely spoke about his illness because emotionally he could  not cope with that side of it.  It's a very personal journey and we all react differently to life's events and I am sure in the coming weeks you will come to understand each other's needs in the best way for you as a family. This forum was part of my support and a good place to come and chat. Wishing you and your Dad all the very best and hope he will soon have a treatment plan in place.  In the meantime I expect he would love life to continue as much as it can pre diagnosis.  Regards Jules54

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    Hi,

    He sounds very much like me. Support groups aren't everyone's cup of tea and, if he is anyything like me, the idea of opening up to strangers about his feelings might be more scary to him than having Cancer! 

    Give him time to come to terms with his diagnosis in his own way, let him know that you're there if he wants to talk or if he needs a lift for his appointments but whatever happens don't stop trying to help him even if he gets stroppy or bad tempered. Just don't be too pushy about it and risk alienating him.

    There's no right or wrong way to deal with Cancer, or to support our loved ones, we all have to do it in our own way and it really does take time for things to sink in.  

    All the best
    Dave

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    Thank you for your replies, they have all given me food for thought & your right I just have to let him know that I am there for him whenever he needs me. We talked a bit more today and it was better than the last time which is a good start. I wish all of you the best on your journeys & thank you again :) looloo xx 

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    Hi

    Talking at his own pace will I am sure help you both in the longer term. All the very best to you, your Dad and the family. Jules x

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    Hi Looloo76 from personal experience i have learned that forcing or trying to push them to do something never helps. Giving space helps but dont leave them lonely a lot  if that makes sense unless your mum is alive and with him he should be fine -Diane xx

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