Hi, I'm 20 years old - the baby of my family that consists of my dad 52, mum 48 (married 28years) and older sister 22. Back in 2006 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer at stage 4. After lots of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and a hysterectomy my mum was doing great and has been clear for 9 years spending most of that time on tamoxifen. In early October 2014 my mum started experiencing lots of pain that seemed to move round her body from her back to her pelvis making walking very difficult. She visited the doctors several times (she is not a moaner she is such a brave woman) and they was treating her for ciatica where she was having regular physiotherapy sessions which wasn't helping. 3 weeks ago after my mum demanded a scan we've learnt that the cancer is back. It is secondary this time and is called metastatic breast cancer and is in mums hips, ribs (already broke several of them), pelvis and spine. I am so angry with the whole world. My mum is very healthy, and is the most loving kindhearted beautiful woman. To see her in pain breaks my heart. I thought we'd dealt with this all those years ago back when I was 11. Why again? Why her? I'd do anything to take her pain away. She is my best friend. We are so close and alike, ever since I've found out about her diagnosis I can't leave her side as im so afraid of her not being there one day. She holds us all together. My dad works away and he isn't coping very well. My sister is slightly autistic and deals with this alot different to me. We had so much planned this year that I'm afraid my mum won't get to see. My sister is getting married, I'm graduating and turning 21, my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary. It feels different this time. Mum is such a fighter but she seems like she is giving up . I'm trying to be so strong for her and the rest of my family but I can't stop thinking about life without her. If she does live to see my sister get married - she will never see me (selfish I know but it hurts so bad). I guess the not knowing how long she has is the worst part, learning to live from scan to scan. How are we supposed to move forward and learn to live with this? I just want to wake up and it all of been a bad nightmare but I know its now my reality. Nothing will ever be the same again :(
Oh Sam = I was in tears when I read your post and I ran downstairs to tell Anne (she lost her soul-mate mum last year)! Poor you and your Mum, and everyonec in your family ! I know just how fed up and angry you must be. You have a lovely and brave mum and all you want is for her to be free of worries and this cancer business. I am sure she hasn't given up = but just fed up that its back - what rotton luck! ow, we must just hope that when the hospital swing into action - they can control it straight away and let her - and you all to live your lives in peace. Of course you are close to Mum - she is your closest friend and has known and loved you since you were tiny. She doesn't want all her plans to have to change and once this horrid cancer is sorted - she wants to get on with things again and see you graduate and sis get married and everything.
No one knows the why and how but the downright unfairness of it all is plain to see! At this time - all I can say = is be kind to yourself Sam, sometimes these things do intrude into our lives and turn it about. You have your exams ahead of you and you have so much to do. Let us pray for Mum and you all. Lets hope the hospital find a cure. Here is a big hug for you and Mum: xxx I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Hi Anne,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Its just so hard it hits me most when I'm in bed alone at night. I keep having to go in and check on her to see if she's still breathing. I just love her so much I don't want to face life without her. It's just so hard to go to work every day and put a fake smile on my face when all I want to do is be by her side. X
yes I know = my mummy died at a very important time in my life. But she didn't leave me as she is now in my heart. It does change you. However, she hasn't had treatment yet - so lets walk together , you and I, in the wish and hope she will buck up. People won't go before their time and she wants to be there at your graduation = she wants to go to the wedding.
So, you and I have to push for a cure for her and we must be brave and 'carry on' just as Mum wants us to do. She wants you to really do well and succeed! We will be thinking of you today. We are off to visit Stevens mum- who is very ill. We have made this iinto a celebration of her life - trying to see the positives rather than seeing her in bed.
So, keep eating well and looking after yourself = thats important; and give mum a kiss everytime you see her.
Here is a big hug for you Sam = to strengthen you for today XXXXXX
Hi Anne
sorry to hear about your mum, I don't know how you appear so strong.
Got through another week at work. Just in bed now and my mind can't shut off. I don't know how to cope with this, it hurts so much I can't explain x
Sam, I was deeply touched to read about your mum, you clearly love her so much and she you. She sounds like a wonderful lady, the heart and soul of your family. I can understand how frightened you must be! It seems to me that cancer is just not fair at all! You sound very courageous Sam.
Take care
Gaynor xxx
Hi Gaynor
I don't feel very courageous I feel like I'm breakingdown Its getting harharder every day. Found out that the cancer has spread to her skull and shoulder yesterday. Just when you are almost coming to terms with something you get hit with another. As I tuck her into bed every night and see the pain she is in I can't describe the hurt I feel. She is honestly the most amazing woman in the universe and I just want her better. Sam xxx
Awe Samantha, I'm so very sorry that you have recieved such devastating news, no wonder you feel as if you are falling apart! How is your mum coping, who do you have to turn to fir support? It will take a while to sink in, it's almost too much to bear. I think sometimes services become like big machines and carry you along to where u next need to be and there can be something almost comforting in that. What are the drs suggesting happens next to best help your mum? Sending u a huge cyber hug Sam. Please take very good care and let me know how you are both getting on. It's truly amazing that humanity can be so brave in the face of so much xxxx
I can understand the pain you are feeling witnessing your mum being in pain, it is unfair you are right.
What I will say is this, my mum asked her brother 'Why me?' when she was ill and he basically said 'Cheryl well why not you?' No one deserves this awful desease and I'm saying this to make you look on what happening to you in a different way, in a way of comfort so to speak.
You feel afraid and that's completely normal and it's not selfish to think that she won't see you because my mum saw my brother get married and she won't see me when I do (In body) but in spirit she will. She will see every moment of your life, she will always be there as she lives in you.
It is awful having to wait and take every day as it comes, cherrish every moment with her. You can move forward and there are plenty of people who can help you through whatever you are feeling, you are not alone.
The truth can hurt, it's ugly but we are greatful for it, you have been through a lot and are strong. You're mum may seem like she's giving up because her body is having to fight and it can be extremely tiring.
