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Partner blames me

samfan82
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Hi everyone. 

Im 43 years old, have a 15 year old daughter and been with my partner for 8 years. It hasnt been the easiest if relationships. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer on 6th August. Still waiting on results of MRI and PET scans to confirm staging and the wait is excruciating.

Prior to this id not had a smear since 2014 due toy last one being quite traumatic. I was diagnosed at the time with cervical ectropian that I didn't get treated and passed off symptoms that may have been linked with cancer as due to that belleding after sex and spotting between periods. 

Now ive been diagnosed with cancer and my partner is blaming me. Saying that I have ruined our future and if I had got myself checked sooner we may not be in this position

He's saying he's being forced to support me and can't deal with his emotions. He's got angry and shouted at me several times. Shut me out and threatened to leave.

I don't have any family close by and no friends away from work. I feel so lost and alone. Can I do this by myself?

 

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    Hi Samfan

    • Cancer affects us all in unpredictable ways both partners and those with cancer. The only way to resolve it is talking through what is happening to you both. Should have, would have, could have its all very easy with hindsight to blame the past. But you both have to deal with reality which is now and plan to deal with it.The threats to leave you are empty ones. Walking away is the easy option at a time when you need support the most. He may realise he needs to be a real man and take some responsibilty. If not you may have to deal with this on your own and I wish you the strength to deal with it.
    • Ed
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    Hi samfan82, 

    I am so sorry you have just been diagnosed with cervical cancer and I hope that you won't have to wait too long for your MRI and PET scans results so that you have a clearer idea of staging and of what to expect in terms of treatment. 

    Being diagnosed with cancer is difficult enough as it is and you should not blame yourself as none of this is your fault and no one should blame you for this. He should not be making you feel bad for supporting you or getting angry - it is completely unreasonable that he has shouted at you or that he is making threats or shutting you out. 

    How your partner is behaving towards you is not acceptable and from what you've mentioned in your post it sounds like he could be exhibiting some signs of domestic abuse. I know that must be scary to read but it's important to recognise that domestic abuse isn't always about violence, it can also include emotional, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour.

    It must be so hard for you to have to deal with this when you have no friends away from work or no family close by and I am so sorry your partner has not given you the support you need and deserve when faced with a new cancer diagnosis. If it ever does get to a point where you need to seek help, please don't hesitate in reaching out to Women's Aid or Refuge. You may also like to call the National Domestic Abuse helpline. You can either contact them through their website or give them a call on 0808 2000247. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and have expert advisers who offer confidential, non-judgemental support, so there is always someone available if you are ever in need of some advice. 

    It may be worth speaking to your GP about how this is affecting you as they will be able to support you and advise you on how you can look after yourself during this difficult time. The cancer charity Maggie's also offer free support to anyone with cancer and their families so it might be worth getting in touch with them. You can find out more just here. What is sure is that you have done nothing to justify any blame and this is a time when you deserve all the love and support you can get. 

    I'm sure some of our members who have been in a similar situation will be along soon to offer their thoughts, supportive words and advice but in the meantime, we're thinking of you samfan82 and sending all our strength and support your way.

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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