I have clear cell renal cell carcinoma stage 3, I've had a partial nephrectomy 8 weeks ago on my right kidney 

i I have bilateral kidney cancer I'm awaiting new CT scan and an appointment with consultant regarding the left kidney will need another surgery 

im already living with chronic long term illnesses that I need carers to help me with basic tasks and some personal care I have carers full time my husband works in a high position and is known as an expert in his field he's a scientist he's amazing husband and father I'm so forever grateful I have him

we have 5 children between us I had two children when we met he had 1 and we've had two children together my eldest two are adults 22 & 24 his first child is 15 and our two youngest are 12 and 7 

i I have severe ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis in both hips my mobility has been impacted and I'm a wheelchair user outside of the home, I have chronic pain and suffer with depression & anxiety, im sensitive to light and noise and have a lot of days my body is very weak in a flare up of symptoms daily or if I overdo any activity from even conversation or a shower takes out all my energy and strength I am mostly housebound or bedbound

my biggest worry is dying and the next is treatment on top of all my other issues, getting to hospital appointments is extremely difficult 

my eldest daughters are living far away one up north and one in Belfast and my stepson has been alienated against his father which is really sad and not by our choice and he's has never missed a child maintenance payment and has been a great provider for all our family and we have a dog called Milo he's the cutest dog and brings a lot of happiness to all of us 

I wish my eldest children lived closer and I could see them all the time I'm hopeful my stepson will start coming to his own decisions and remember all the good times he had with us 

all I want is all our kids around us but unfortunately that's not the case atm it causes me a lot of pain emotionally 

so that's me 

I'm scared of everything ahead the knowns and the unknowns the waiting between scans and results and consultants appointments, sometimes I can't get my head around it and feels unreal  so only mixed emotions I don't kno where to begin tbh x