Newly diagnosed husband - what does it all mean and what do I do?

My husband has been newly diagnosed; I don’t know what to say or not say or do to help. 
I love him so much but he won’t talk about it and is so solitary. 
im doing my best - telling him I love him, taking plans I can, doing pick ups etc, housework and then the usual reassurance and offering hugs and cuddles and nice messages and support but he’s gone totally distant. Withdrawn and quiet. Stopped saying love you and it all feels so sad and awful. 
any advice?

  • Hello Wifeandmummy

    I'm sorry to hear that your husband has recently been given a cancer diagnosis. It sounds like it's been a difficult time and natural that you're both experiencing a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions as you begin to process what this might mean for the future. 

    Are you able to tell us a little more about your husband's diagnosis and what the hospital has said regarding treatment and care? It may be that we can signpost you to some information that you might find helpful. Alternatively, you're welcome to call our nurses on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. I know they will be happy to listen and offer any advice, information and support they can. 

    I know from the many, many posts that I've read here on the forum over the years that people react to the news that they have cancer in different ways. I've read a lot of posts where people become distant from their loved ones as they try to process and come to terms with the news. Don't take it personally that your husband has become quiet and withdrawn. If space and quiet are what he craves at the moment then perhaps take a small step back for a short while to allow him to process things. Sometimes people are reluctant to share with a loved one because they don't want to upset them further. It may be that there is a good friend or a close family member that your husband might feel comfortable confiding in?

    We have some information on our website for family and friends that may be helpful but I'd also say to you be kind to yourself. This is obviously a difficult time for you both but hopefully, things will become more settled over the coming days and weeks. If you're worried about his mood then you could always mention this to his specialist cancer nurse. 

    Keep in touch with us here at Cancer Chat if it helps to have a safe space to put down in writing how you're feeling, to ask questions or to simply chat with others who understand. We're here for you. 

    Sending you both my best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

  • It must be so tough for you.  Have you tried just asking him how he would like to talk and deal with it?  Give him the chance to set his own parameters.  You might not like them but will know where stand and maybe bring a bit of a balance time when can work with and through whatever.  He is most probably feeling he lost all control, power. So give him something he can grasp and control.  Might help