Oh bless you, I really feel for you. I found wait for biopsy results before diagnosis was so stressful. Also waiting for ct scan was a struggle. I found the breast care nurses were so supportive, so would suggest you contact them about your worries. I was told I'd have to wait 2 weeks for biopsy results, but they actually came back within a week. Hopefully yours won't take too long. I have also had sleep issues along the way, but this has improved. . I've also imagined myself dead and buried a good few times, I'm hoping once treatment starts these feelings will pass and I'll be more positive about the future. Just remember you're not alone and many people have the same feelings that you're having. Always here to chat if you need to. Xx

Thank u, I didn’t think my breast care nurse would be available at the weekend. My husband will be working tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to look after the kids x

Hi Em,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much today. Waiting for results is always stressful, but especially so when you have to wait for further clarification on them. I am sure that you have coped well with the children today, despite how you feel - we do it because we have to. Somehow or other, we find hidden strengths, when our backs are up against the wall. Lack of sleep is an issue - we nearly all find this and it can make it difficult for us to function from day to day.

Jolamine xx

Hi Pippin,

I am delighted to see that you finally have a start date for chemo - this must be a big relief for you. Any news about a port fitting yet?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank u jolamine for your kind words. Do u really think it is possible that these symptoms are all from the anxiety? I feel so unwell.. x

Hi Jolamine, unfortunately nothing has been mentioned about a port, so I assume it will just be a canula on the day. I really don't want a picc line. I have been told my pre chemo consultation is by phone next Saturday, which I'm not too happy about. My phone reception isn't great, plus I'd like my husband to be included. I'm going to contact macmillan nurse tomorrow to see if they can help sort it out. I was told they don't do face to face appointments on a Saturday, so wonder if they could do a different day. Xx

To be honest I'm not sure if breast care nurses are available at the weekend, but you could try tomorrow. You might find the children will help keep you distracted. I've spent the last couple of days spring cleaning, doing all the stuff I might not feel like doing over the next few weeks. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Xx

I know exactly how you are feeling. I was completely unable to distinguish if I was experiencing symptoms or acute stress and my mind was (and still does tend to be) completely running away with me. This was anxiety at a whole new level and which manifested in acute physical ways which added to the panic. Sleep was impossible, as was being able to focus on anything with any positivity, or even to eat, but the lack of sleep was certainly making everything worse for me. There are no words to describe how frightening it is. My GP has been very supportive and has now given me something to help me sleep. I am now trying to take things one day, one moment, one small step, sometimes just one breath at a time. I really do understand how it can feel so profoundly isolating to be alone with these seemingly inescapable fears. I'm hoping as time passes that we can adjust to this new normal, but in the meantime I have tried to grab onto any small life raft when I can. Being outdoors helps, as does trying to take notice of any little thing that I can still enjoy and I try to look forward to them. Even if it is brief, they are an oasis in the storm, like a hot shower, or scented body lotion, a friend gave me a soft pillowcase.  Any little personal physical comfort can distract slightly from the mental torment. Even if it is brief, some nice moments can still be there. I think all the waiting is probably the hardest part. Once we are fully in the system with medical support then I am hoping things will settle and relationships can develop with the people who will be looking after us. Keep going x

Hi Em,

A lot of us get all sorts of symptoms, as soon as we start down this road, but amazingly, most disappear, once we know what we're dealing with. Anxiety can lead to a lot of additional problems, so here's hoping that this is the cause.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Pippin,

Mention the port again when you have your appointment, as there will still be time to have it fitted before 4th.  It may just have been overlooked. I can understand that you would rather have a face-to-face appointment for your pre-chemo consultation. If you can't get this changed, could your hubby be with you for the phone call? 

I hope that you can get this sorted tomorrow.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx