Hi there,

Sorry to jump straight into the group with introducing myself but hopefully this will be quite thorough. Two weeks ago I had a bad stomach ache - thought it might have been grumbling appendix. Long story short its colon cancer. Specifically T4A-N1B-M0. Its currently at 6cm, and reading the info on grading if it was T4B its not good at all. The other number was 95% coverage - which is the more important number apparently. 

This was two weeks ago and suddenly I have been placed at the top of the 238 person list and are having the surgery on Tuesday. I went for the pre assessment today and immediately got rerouted to the colostomy department for fitting. I am desperate to avoid this as I have experience in the family of this option and it really isnt a good option. If I was married, and had a long term partner then maybe its an option but I am single and with a device like this I'm looking to be single for the rest of my depressing, miserable, painful life. 

I say this with all knowledge that people live quite happily with the surgery and or chemo and or stoma. The trouble I have is that I also suffer from the worlds most painful condition - called Chronic Cluster Headaches and have a deep brain stimulator install to stop the 13 years of level 10 pain, 12 hours a day. I saved my life and its amazing. Trouble is whenever I have another health condition, like a cold, pleurisy or Quincy or anything that causes pain the pacemaker stops working and I end up in terrible pain twice. This used to be called suicide headaches for obvious reasons and they did rename it.

So what do I do? Do I follow the yellow brick road and just surcome to all that they offer knowing full well I will be in pain for the rest of my life, miserable, homeless and bitter, or do I take control and start calling the shots and refuse treatment the treatment - the chemo especially?  Even if I do all of this apparently there may be much more cancer but they cant tell until the tumour is removed. A life of hospital visits and misery and pain and sickness.

I play tennis 2-4 times every day - it keeps me sain and I have lost 4 stone over 3 years - this is a good thing for me mentally and physically - what will I do now?

Thanks for listening - I have so much more but just repeating this again and again and it falling on deaf ears is getting to me

T