Hello 

Ive been going over whether to post anything for the past few hours as I feel I haven't properly let anything sink in but I feel im driving myself mad and I feel so selfish for it. And im so sorry it's so long. 

Yesterday my dad got diagnosed with Lung cancer. Hes 74. Hes always been old school, didnt really want to bother doctors and got over any illnesses himself (he very rarely gets ill). My dad was in the army for years and smoked (please dont judge, he tried stopping but just couldn't, all he was able to do was reduce how much he smoked a day which for him was a big achievement). The Past few months he had chest infections on and off and despite him telling his GP that he feels it was something more than just a chest infection, he was told thats all it was and sent on his way with antibiotics until one day he put his foot down and asked them to look into why these "infections" kept coming back and they finally listened. (this was on top of breathlessness, lack of sleep and counting up small bits of blood). He was so convinced he had COPD. 

These past few weeks my dad has had X-rays, ct scans, many blood samples etc where they found that his right lung was collapsed and full of Mucus but additionally found a shadow but due to the poor funcition, they required a Bronchoscopy which he had done. 
He got the call friday that his consultant wanted to see him Monday (yesterday) where he was diagnosed with Lung cancer.

Now this is where I feel so frustrated but no fault of anyone. My dad has been given a diagnosis of Lung cancer however we are left in the dark at the moment as we haven't been given a stage. He has to go for a brain scan which they've said could be up to 2 weeks which im unsure the reason why but feel it just for more bad news. 

I feel we all have so many questions which we wont have answers too but my dad hasn't been given any treatment options until they do the scan and he knows the stage (although he said he dont want to do any treatment because hes "lived his life" which I understand but selfish for feeling upset that he possibly wont reconsider).

My mum and 2 sisters seem to have taken the news quite well although I cant say for sure as I dont know what goes on behind closed doors but they had a feeling what it was for a while as they are all senior carers in a nursing home whilst has end of life care so they said had a feeling of what it was and whats to come but I feel like ive honestly forgotten how to function and feel a little lost.

Im a daddy girl and really close to my dad although I dont see him as much as id like too but he used to always be working when I off work etc so when we do see each other its special. I have 3 children who's 6 and under so I know my focus has to be on them which they are keeping me going at the moment but I find myself okay one minute then bursting into tears the next. You hear of this happening all the time and my heart always breaks for those families and those with any diagnosis but you always think it would never happen to you. I cant shake that its just going to go so quickly and the next he wont be here and im not ready to lose him (I do have anxiety so I do jump to worse case scenarios which dont help)
I haven't been able to speak to my dad yet as my mum said hes not ready to talk about it and to be honest hes never liked any fuss and never will like fuss so I feel thats just contributing to the shock of it and that ill never get a chance to talk about it to him. Hes always been so laid back with everything on life and has the view of that everything happens for a reason and hes said at the beginning of the tests that if its bad news he accepts it as hes recently retired and lived his life.

I guess what im asking is, is the brain scan routine before getting a stage or what exactly does that mean? 
or just any help and advice on how I can speak to my dad when he is ready and how do I cope and handle whilst still functioning being a mum.

im really sorry its long and if its stupid or if it comes across that im rambling.