Hi Subedo,

I am so sorry to hear about the present relationship with your sister. This will get back to normal, but you will both have to work at it. I had a similar misunderstanding with my daughter, in the early days of my cancer diagnosis. We had always had a close and loving relationship. I didn't think that I had said anything hurtful to her, but she believed that I blamed her for my cancer - why I have never worked out.

We reached the stage where she refused to speak to me on the phone and I was told by her hubby that I was no longer welcome in her house, as I was upsetting her too much. This really upset me more than my cancer diagnosis, as my family mean everything to me.

Despite this, she still communicated with my hubby to see how I was. She eventually relayed to me that the only way that we had any chance of getting back on track, was for us both to see a counsellor. Many cancer charities offer this service free of charge. I was very reluctant to air our dirty linen to a stranger, but I eventually agreed. We both went to a meeting and I must confess that I was very upset during it. We came out of the meeting feeling that it had been disasterous. We had been offered another appointment, but my daughter declined, stating that we might make another one at a later date. However not long after this meeting, my daughter said that she didn't think that another meeting would help.

Throughout the next few weeks, I think that we both thought about what had been said at that consultation and began to see one another's viewpoints and our relationship gradually began to get back on track. Nothing happened very fast. It took quite a while, but we did eventually get there, before I had my first surgery. With the benefit of hindsight, I do believe that I was so low in myself that I wasn't as careful as I might have been with some of the things which I said and she had misinterpreted these.

She was only in her early 20ies at the time and found it hard to cope with a diagnosis like this, especially as I had already lost my Mum to secondary breast cancer. I am totally ashamed at how I reacted to my diagnosis and to think of how it upset my daughter. I am normally a very self-reliant person and, with the family history, I thought that I was prepared for this - instead I was an emotional wreck. Looking back, that counselling session, was the best thing that we could have done and I am so happy to be able to say that we have since weathered another cancer diagnosis, the following year, without any further drama and our relationship is now stronger than ever.

I can understand how your sister took umbrage at what you said, even though you didn't mean it maliciously. This is a time when you need her support more than ever, so please try to mend those bridges. Many of us have similar problems with loved ones at times like this.

I very much doubt that your childhood has any bearing on your cancer. One person in every 3 of the population gets breast cancer. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer within a year of one another - Is this because I had such a horrendous childhood? I certanly had a childhood that nobody would believe if I were to write about it, but I don't believe that this was the cause. Don't let this ruin what you've got now. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a good husband and two beautiful, healthy children. You are a lot better off than some poor souls on this site, who will never have the opportunity to have a family, thanks to cancer.

Do you know when you are going to have your mastectomy and are you planning reconstruction. I had a double mastectomy 13 years ago and I still lead a busy and fulfilling life.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Gosh, Jolamine, That made a lot of sense, and yes aswell as this when she asked me was there anything I could do for her, I said, 'don't breast feed infront of me' She was sending messages saying i was unkind. I am not thinking about what i am saying, like you say, just low. I've decided to have my 50th party realising at the minute i'm still fit etc, so should make the most of it, when my friend asked me, what can i do, i said to her, 'don't show your boobs off at my party,' she responded with, 'you want me to cut them off, coz i will if you want me to?' we both laughed, then i sobbed in her arms, she said we will get you through this, and you will come out with new fabulous boobs and be pleased to get rid of these old ones. 

I guess i want that sort of love from my sister, but she has just had a baby, and no woman breasfeeding likes to be told to put her boobs away. 

You are right, hopefully i've not got it so bad and now have a loving family.

You know what, my grandad got lung cancer when i was 13, when i think of cancer, i think of him, it took this to make me stop and think, all the young women, children that get it. It's horrendous. 

I've been so busy teaching these last 12 years, running departments solo as the uk have cut back on creative teachers hugely. I've not had much time for thinking about anything other than making sure my kids are ok and the school kids are ok. I've always wanted to do a sponsored walk, now i'm actually doing one. I'm ashamed it took this, to make me do that. I have set up a *** page, and i will give what I make to guys, as the CEO of cancer research earns £250k a year!

I am so glad you wrote, and so glad you and your daughter are back on track. I think miscommunications with ones daughter at a time like that, is worse than a sister. 

I do believe there is a link, to upbringing and well being, but it's hard to come to terms with that. And also my theory doesn't explain small babies getting sick with it. 

I told my sister what my friend said, i also said we on are such different paths at the moment we perhaps can't be there for each other but i said i loved her. 

I don't think you need to feel ashamed for anything you said Jolamine, maybe you needed to explain, but when you find out something like C, your head is all over the place, your life is literally before your very eyes, nothing really makes much sense. Not much does anyway but with a diagnosis, one is on ones own and does need caring people around to listen. Perhaps it isn't who we would like it to be, but we find our people at the right time in our life. Some are for an hour, others a day, some a week, some a month and maybe a few for a lifetime. 

To anyone younger reading this, who have C and want children, and maybe now won't be able to in the future, i have adopted my son, i love him with all my heart as much as my daugher, a different love, it's harder work, but I couldn't love him more if he'd popped out of my you know. Secondary infertility was a blessing. 

I hope you hit this C right back Jolamine. You keep strong xxx

Su

Hi Su,

I am glad that you appreciate some of what I've said. Put yourself in your sister's shoes. If you were breastfeeding your new baby and she had said this to you, how would you feel? She may also be over sensitive at the moment. Sleepless nights and post-natal depression, can also alter your perception of what others say. 

I am delighted to hear that you have decided to hold your 50th birthday party, while you are fit and able to do it. This sounds much more positive. Perhaps you could invite your sister? If she is still refusing to engage with you, tell her that you are sorry for a lot of what you said, that you were particularly low and weren't really thinking about what you said, but that you had no ill intent. Tell her how much you miss her company and support at this time.

Do you know what type of breast cancer you have and what stage it is? The initial diagnosis is always hard, but you will feel better once you start treatment and begin to fight this. I lost my Mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her brain, bones, liver and lungs. I also lost my father-in-law, just 5 days after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Mum died11 years before I was first diagnosed and there was just no comparison between the diagnosis, treatment and after care which we both experienced. Treatments have advanced tremendously in the last few fears.

As a teacher you are used to being in control of what you do. I ran my own practice and was in a similar position. It came as a terrible shock to feel that I was not in control of my cancer. I have had to give myself a firm talking to and to put  a more positive slant on the life that I have now. It will never be the same as it was pre-cancer. I was unable to have reconstruction, so have had to remain flat chested. My breasts were my pride and joy and I do miss them, but I now see my scars as trophies of what I've been through. I have fought cancer twice, one year after the other and I am fortunate enough to have won the war, so far. Yes, there is always the possibility of another diagnosis or spread. I found this difficult to deal with too, but I have come to terms with this now, as life is too short to let this type of fear consume me.

I had two young teenage children when I was first diagnosed and my natural thought was that I wouldn't see them grow up. Since then, I have seen them leave school, go to university, graduate. find gainful employment, marry and provide me with two beautiful granddaughters.I have a lot to be grateful for, as I never thought that I would get to see any of these events.

It is great news that you are going to manage to do a sponsored walk. I hope that this goes well for you and that you manage to get plenty of sponsorship. The CEO of Cancer Research may well earn a lot, but I doubt that the consultants at Guys earn that much less. Still both are good causes.

Your upbringing still seems to be holding you back in life. My childhood experiences would beggar belief and would certainly make a best-seller. For many years I felt burdened by this. As I've got older I have put that behind me - not that I'll ever forget it, but I don't let it eat me up any more. I am fortunate that I have a good hubby and a good marriage, so I try to concentrate on that intead.

Have you got a date for your surgery yet?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

so sorry you have had the same diagnosis we all share. Please, for your own benefit, you need to have counselling for this. Check out the Kubler Ross stages of acceptance as they are very applicable to the news you have had. It appears you are going through the anger stage. Blaming your sister is not going to help so avoid contact for a little until you reach acceptance as you do not want long term regret. Counselling will help.

Unfortunately we all need to deal with the hand we are dealt. Wishing you all the best in trying to accept this diagnosis and looking forward to you spending fun times with your family and friends.

Please look forward to good times, not back on bad ones.  Spend your energy in fighting this cancer and being a stronger happier person after it is all over. Cancer is your enemy, not your sister. You are strong, you can get through this. 
I am in hospital and just had a double mastectomy and lymph removal which was better than I thought. Once healed I will face the chemo and radiotherapy with my eye on emerging cancer free and enjoying every day of my life after it. 
 Sincere hug and best wishes to you xx