Cancer Research UK main site

How do you tell family?

Managingit
Offline

What a month! Suffered increasing breast pain during daughters wedding, mothers funeral, then long drive back to my home and have a new large swelling on one breast. Doctor arranged an urgent mammogram and CT scan and prepared me for the fact that it is likely I will need a mastectomy after examination. What a shock as both breasts obviously had very abnormal results which fit severe case of breast and lymph node cancer. I was promised top priority to urgently send results to doctor who wanted to be notified as soon as mammogram was finished and they emailed through pictures without a report before I got home.

Have spent Easter alone comparing pictures and internet research, and know it is really bad. It does not help being a nurse and reading everything in detail. While I am very happy to have a bilateral mastectomy as I am 63 and happy to have life without them, I know my prognosis is not good.

I can't tell anyone about this as I can't tell my kids until they get over the absolute grief the family has just gone through as my dynamic, much loved mother and family matriach died after cancer bowel surgery went terribly wrong. I have spent months with them looking after my grandchild and they just announced a 2nd on the way. My wonderful daughter is planning a family but wanted me to live near them when they do.

I don't think I will make it. So how do you tell your family and when should you do it? I was thinking I would wait and tell them after surgery but none of them are able to visit and they would want to. It will need to be on the phone as distance is too far. Perhaps I wait until I finish all treatment and visit them?

Ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

 

  • Offline

    Manginit 

    welcome 

    o had breast can dr last July 

    it's a shock and what your thinking is not to tell them is cause you want to protect them , however this is normal but , it would be best to tell them as you need support to get through these operations and treatments 

    Please don't fear the worst many people live many many years with this it's just a shock treatment is amazing now 

    love Lara ️

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    Thank you Lara, much appreciated. It is very hard to invision stepping from the carer role to being cared for. I manage and it will be a shock for family and friends if I can't.

  • Offline in reply to Managingit

    Man 

    I understand lovely 

    I was same I'm the  one to sort everything out everyone's problems 

    i found it hard to accept that it was me who now had a problem 

    here to chat and here for you lovely 

    stay here for support 

    love Lara ️

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    Thank you Lara,

    It is made worse with my mother dying as she constantly kept in touch with my whole large family. I took over that role a little but have cut back since finding how bad my tests were. What do I do? Disassociate from those that need me? Very difficult time.

    And apart from phonecalls, my life partner is my dog. How do cancer patients manage pets during this?  

  • Offline in reply to Managingit

    I no what you mean totally understand 

    I have a dog too she's my world your dog will be sat beside you all the way until you are better and out on other side cause you will get through this and be ok 

    love Lara ️

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    What is your plan ? Operation or treatment first 

    mine was her2 negative do you no the type you have yet ? 

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    No, not yet but resulting pictures are extremely serious and the expression on all professionals confirmed how serious. A lesson to all to actually put yourself first and check for cancer regularly.

    Not much point in going for chemo first as I would prefer to have both breasts off ASAP to stop the spread. Even before biopsy as it is very obvious it is an agressive cancer that has spread beyond both breasts.

    But appointment is Wednesday so lets see what the experts say. Thank you so much for responding as I am totally alone on this. My dog does not understand at all.

  • Offline in reply to Managingit

    Of course I'm here to chat at anytime you will be suprised how much better you will feel when you speak with the professionals this week and get your plan , I was terrified at first but seemed to feel better as time went on I mean I accepted it and thought no worry can change anything you sound very positive too .

    yes these dogs sense when things are not right my dog didn't leave my side bless her ️

  • Offline in reply to Managingit

    Hi Managingit, just wanted to wish you all the best for your results and that I hope they are not as serious as you fear they might be. It may all seem more manageable after you have spoken to the consultant and there are many treatment options out there if it is confirmed as malignant. There are also many support groups/charities that can offer practical assistance such as lifts if needs be xx

  • Offline in reply to Case4

    Thank you for such support as it is difficult being alone while anxiously waiting for my doctors appointment. I got isolated during Covid and it has been great reconnecting with family and friends since borders opened early last year and such a treat to be a grandmother. I don't want to lose that so will fight.

    Already worried about what to do with my dog during this and if the worst happens. My dog is worried too, he has never wanted to sleep in my bed before but is now and is really stressed if not by my side now. It is weird that so many dogs at the dog park surround me for cuddles as though they smell something is wrong. Owners think I am carrying treats as some have difficulty calling their dogs away once they have a sniff. I should have listened to them when I first noticed it.

     

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.