We found out of the blue that my mother has stomach cancer 10 days ago. She had confirmation from biopsy yesterday and had a Ct scan today. 

It feels completely unbearable to me, I reacted extremely badly to the original news and had another complete meltdown today. I suffer from anxiety and had a breakdown in 2016, I worry that my mum dying will trigger a breakdown that I won't recover from or that I will commit suicide after she is gone.

The Ct scan will show if the cancer has spread but don't know when she will get those results. I can't sleep or eat or function properly. I am much worse than she is (she is calm and resolute). Today when I broke down sobbing I kept saying it was my fault she is ill. I don't know why I said that, I know it is not true in my more rational moments. Is it normal to blame yourself at this stage?

She's been poorly a lot before (2 rounds of breast cancer and a lot of other illnesses including depression), and I feel that I've been carrying the weight of her health and worrying about living without her for years and years. I can't believe my worst fear is starting to come true. I'm worried I will be sad forever after she's gone and there is still so much time left to feel that way (I'm 39).

I do have a very supportive husband and sister and dad. I know I'm really lucky compared to a lot of people. But I feel like if I stop worrying about the cancer for even a moment than it will win and turn into the worst possible scenario.

Does anyone have any suggestions or wise words for helping to cope. Did anyone else feel like they would never cope but manage to live through the loss of a parent?