You don't sound like a bad or selfish person at all. You got a terrible fright; given that you are perimenopausal, I'm guessing your husband was on the younger side for colorectal cancer. Of course, realising that something like that can happen is going to make you more aware of possible signs of illness. That's only natural.

Within the space of just over a year, my father died fairly unexpectedly and I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. That certainly made me aware that bad things can happen and that they can happen out of the blue or when they are a "very unlikely but we have to check just in case" sort of situation.

Have you spoken to your GP about the anxiety you are feeling? Not specifically about whether you could be ill, but about how your thoughts are racing and you are worrying a lot.

And please don't blame yourself. While you are not the one who is ill, this is really stressful for you too and of course you will find it difficult at times. Try and find people you can talk to. Obviously, you can say things here, but...it might be helpful to talk to a friend or family member or if you have nobody like that, then maybe a counsellor.

Hello MargaretMary

Thanks for replying.  I am seeing my GP next week (an appointment I booked for increasing menopausal type stuff) but, I feel that all my concerns/symptoms will be put to anxiety as I've had a few phone consults/bloods in the past 12 months and never really got anywhere or had any tests done.  Now, with my husbands totally unexpected diagnosis, I feel I can't really talk to anyone. It feela like i am tempting fate even thinking about it.  I ended up booking a private scan today (which will be in 10 days) just to see if it helps one way or another.  
I know anxiety/perimenopause can cause a lot of physical stuff, and I (stupidly) cried a bit in front of GP, which I think made her see it as a reaction to events - I started to ask about the chance my symptoms could also be cancer, but the 10min consult was up + I was there for back pain, so had to make another appointment which is next week.  She did say she isn't going to 'feed into anxiety' hence using savings for own scan.

I did say to a friend, but that backfired when they (hopefully without thinking) said they'd be concerned too & then hasn't been in touch since!

I do feel guilty about spending 1/2 time scared about my own health changes + not focussing solely on my husband. He refuses to discuss any of it - saying 'take it as it comes' and carrying on as if nothing is happening, which feels like a huge elephant in the room all the time.

I know everyone is struggling, and apologise for being so needy - I'm sure it will get better once this hideous waiting part is done & we have clear answers.

Thanks again - good to feel there is one place I can let my jumbled thoughts out without worrying what a misery I sound.

It's not at all stupid to cry in front of the GP and it's not a bad thing if she knows you are worried. I don't think anybody is going to be the least surprised that somebody would cry when their husband has been unexpectedly diagnosed with a serious illness and they are going through perimenopause and have some symptoms that are concerning them. That is completely normal.

It's also good if the GP knows you are dealing with anxiety. That is something she should be able to help you with as well. Have you told her you feel anxious? That your husband's illness has made you worry about your own health? She might be able to give you some advice about how to cope with things or even give you a referral to a counsellor if you think that might help.

Your husband may need space to deal with things in his own way. I can imagine it would be stressful for you, but it sounds like he wants to keep life as normal as possible for as long as possible.

Hi CLCAC,

I hope you're ok, lovely. It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety to me but I wouldn't want to diminish your worries and tell you it's nothing. The reason I say it is you sound just like me! I was going through the menopause when covid hit and working from home, I had too much time to analyse stats etc. I was convinced both me and hubby would die if we caught it and I became absolutely obsessed about it. During 2021 I was called for my routine mammogram and was subsequently diagnosed with breast cancer. My nerves were shredded and part of my anxiety symptoms was back pain and stiff joints, as well my head falling off! I felt like I couldn't walk some days. Anyway treatment for the BC went well and I soldiered on, going back to work etc. Until the war in Ukraine started and I was at a point with the anxiety I literally couldn't breathe properly. So, I spoke to a GP who listened to me and said imagine you're in the middle of a lake and you think you're going to drown. Well I'm going to give you a float (medication) and it'll help you swim. That analogy makes so much sense and I was prescribed fluoxetine. I can honestly say it's turned me around, I haven't felt like my old self in a long time but these days, I laugh more, say yes to everything and cancer is barely mentioned. But there's a moral in the story - all the time I was worried to death about covid, I didn't know I had a much more serious health threat lurking. So anything can happen to us at any time, and worrying does nothing but steal your joy in life. Yes, things can happen but that's the case from the moment we are born. My back problem was definitely to do with anxiety as it's so much better. It's as if feeling tense all the time can actually affect you physically. So if I were you, I'd get your scan for peace of mind but if you find you've nothing to worry about, move on and accept it. If you're not on anything for anxiety I would strongly recommend you have the same chat as I did with your GP. If you are taking something, have it reviewed. I say this as someone who didn't believe in taking medicine for life events but until I started to feel better, it was only then I realized what a dark place I'd been in. Your hubby has the right idea, just go with it, chances are he will be ok but worrying and stressing achieves nothing apart from making you miserable. If you need a chat, give me a shout and best of luck to you and hubby. 

Jane xx

Hello there CLCAC, 

My Mum had 2/3 of her colon removed 15 years ago due to bowel cancer.

It's extremely normal for us to be worried about our health after someone close to us is hit by a life-threatening illness.  As you said, you have to be well to look after your husband so your mind might be scanning your body for problems to protect you both and get you through this period of your life.  It get's more complicated when you then take into account that physical complaints and worry are normal to perimenopause.

The GP can only refer you for scans if there is justification so it's a good sign that they didn't.  Once you get the result of your private scan your brain might tell you to keep scanning even though nothing might have been found.  You might never believe the GP or private health care-provider...be aware if you start to think like that. 

Health Anxiety is real and it can be crippling and needs to be dealt with by people trained and experienced in dealing with this specific type of anxiety.  So if the scan is clear, you could consider asking to be referred to an IAPT practitioner through the GP/ or self-referring to IAPT online. IAPT is the NHS psychological therapy service that provides cognitive behavioural therapy mainly.  You might want to consider CBT for health anxiety rather than medication? CBT is really effective for health anxiety and will do you no harm whatsoever. 

I really hope that you are OK and that you get the right treatment for the right problem and that you are able to continue to support your husband.