You are going through such a difficult time and it is normal to be going through a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions.

His mindset sounds amazing and I'm sure lots of people would love to think like him. As he doesn't want to talk about the what if's or worry your children, it is important that you don't discuss it with them. It is good that the children know he is having some tests so the possible outcome won't be a complete shock for them. My parents are the type to not tell me anything (even though I'm 23) and thinking back, if I knew that family members had cancer, I would've visited them more and appreciated the time with them more.

But it is still important that you don't keep your feelings and thoughts bottled up. You can 'ramble' on here anytime you need to and there is no need to apologise. You might also want to talk on a helpline like The Samaritans who are there to listen to you or maybe a friend if you'd like advice from someone who's closer to you.

Also, it is great that you are there for your husband and will take him to the CT scan. This might seem obvious but don't complain about anything. My dad complained a lot when he took me to A&E about parking spaces, wait time, his work, why I didn't ask someone else to take me, the fact that I had to go back again the next morning etc.. all while I was in excruciating pain and I was worried that I had a complication from a procedure I had recently had. I definitely would have appreciated silence more or being asked how I was feeling or talking about something light-hearted like my younger siblings (in your case, your children). 

Do ask him if he wants to go anywhere to eat afterwards, that means a lot to me after a procedure ahaha. I remember having to go without eating for over 24 hours for the sigmoidoscopy and I remember telling my dad about that and he didn't think of taking me anywhere afterwards, just told me to go sleep which I did because I felt too tired and weak to make anything.

Something I live by is 'do the next right thing' (from Frozen ahaha). Every time I'm faced with something, I just think "what is the next right thing I can do". Sometimes it could just be when I wake up and spend ages on my phone and then I realise I'm wasting time and I think "the next right thing is to brush my teeth". Maybe the next right thing for you is to check up on how his family members are coping?

I am thinking of you, your husband and your children. Stay in touch, I am here to listen if you'd like to ramble but I also hope you find people on here who are going through a similar situation to you as you might appreciate their advice more. Take care xxx

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's really appreciated.  The waiting is worst, I'm such a wreck that i'm giving myself symptoms and convincing myself that I am ill.  I wish we could either turn time back or fast forward it. I'm ashamed to say i actually had an 'intrusive' thought about what if he passes, then spent an hour sobbing in my car, convinced I have tempted fate by saying once that I've never had a family member with cancer and now I'm doing it again!

I feel like I'm living two lives - one where I'm normal & one where my head is spinning. Husband won't talk about it - he says he just wants to discuss ordinary things & will deal with whatever outcome is.

He has MRI next week - I've thought if using savings yo go private, but he says for the sake of one week it is silly. Feels like the last few weeks have felt endless.  Can't believe that only a month ago we were on holiday, making plans, no real worries about anything & now everything feels like it's spinning out of control.

Anyways, I hope you are well - it helps to hear other peoples experiences (good and bad).  

I had a colonoscopy on Friday of last week same diagnosis as your husband. I am 43 and am fit and well, i had just been having wind and occasional mucas and blood. To say I am shocked and dazed is an understatement, the nurse advised is is likely to be cancerous. I am waiting on my scan appointment coming in and its just torture. 
One minute i am positive and think well your not ill so how can i be, next I am thinking  im not ready to leave our two boys. My husband is not coping well either and we just need answers. 

Hi KatHou

i'm so sorry you also find yourself in this awful situation.  I'm thinking that the limbo of not knowing is torture as you flip from positive, to scared to worst case scenario and back constantly.  We are both going to work, doing all the usual stuff, but I don't think either of us is really sleeping (this humid weather doesn't help) & I terrify myself that, when I get intrusive negative thoughts, I'm tempting fate.  I know tests need to be done, and we're not the only folk in this boat.  This site has been a good find (if that doesn't sound weird - as no sane person would want to be in this 'group chat' LOL)  Let's collectively pray that tests come back full of positive things and that everything has been caught really early and we can all get sorted!