I'm so sorry Holly. It must be really frightening and you can't help the fact you haven't been able to get your head around it yet. You're being very hard on yourself. You need time to get used to the idea and your strength will come back. You're not a robot so cry and get angry etc then you will find some peace and be able to support your Mum. Thinking about you and praying for your Mum 

Hi Holly, I'm so sorry you're going through that. My dad who I'm very close to and still live with has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and told they're not going to be able to cure it. 
 

I know how you're feeling because a month ago today when he was diagnosed I was the same in that every time I looked at him I couldn't stop myself from crying, and then I felt guilty because I knew that would upset him. It does get a bit easier, I think I'm not less sad but I'm getting more used to being sad so aren't physically showing it anymore if that makes sense.

It is becoming harder in that I'm seeing my dads health decline and whenever I see a sign of it getting worse then I get very upset. 
 

But if your mum is stage 3 and her cancer is treatable, then there's still hope and I think you have to hold on to that. 
 

Im finding it so difficult to speak to my friends at the moment and get annoyed when I see people happy/partying when it feels like my world is falling apart, so I've withdrawn socially quite a bit. I've booked myself in to see a therapist next week, have you considered seeing a therapist to process your emotions? 
 

I'm here if you need to chat and talk to someone whose going through something similar x 

Hi, thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry about your dad and how hard it is for you. It must be really nice for him to have you around at home so you can spend a lot of time together. How is he coping with it? Has he been given anything to make him more comfortable?

I know what you mean about getting used to feeling sad. I laughed today at work and I felt instantly guilty about it. Sometimes when I'm keeping busy and not thinking about it my brain just reminds me that my mum has cancer and then my stomach goes in knots all over again. 

I made a mistake where I researched it and I didn't find anything good. But I hope for the best, it's just so hard thinking about what could happen. 

Please try not to shut your friends out. I did that last year when my grandma passed away and only one friend talks to me now. So feeling pretty lonely. Someone at work gave me some good advice today, they said that I should look after myself as well as my mum and make sure not to lose myself. They also suggested starting a hobby that's out of the ordinary, just for me, as an outlet for all these emotions. Do you do anything like that which you enjoy? 

I hope therapy helps you. I hadn't thought about it but I'm considering it. Me and my mum said we'd be open and honest with each other but when we are it gets really emotional and sometimes we don't like what the other one is saying. Do you talk to your dad about his illness much?

I'm here if you need a chat as well x

Thank you so much for your message, it really means a lot. You're not the first person to tell me I'm being too hard on myself! It's strange because cancer is so common but people don't tend to think that it will happen to them or someone they love until it just seems to come out of nowhere. I know it will be a long and tough journey but I will look after her the best I can. 

Hi Holly,

It is nice being able to spend a lot of time with him but when he was first diagnosed I was half way through buying a flat, so now I feel really guilty for planning to move out when he's ill. I think I'm going to continue with buying it as it's only 5 minutes down the road (it's perfect and I've already payed the fees for the mortgage broker and solicitor), but will probably wait a while to move in. But then I'll have the guilt of moving away from my mum and sibling after my dad dies. I think I'll speak to my therapist about it next week. 
 

My dad is coping better than expected but that's because he doesn't know how bad it is. He keeps things like 'when I get better I'm going to...' and although it's good he's positive,  i do find it upsetting because it reminds me that he's not going to be here in the future. 
 

He's been given chemo but we've been told that it rarely works for the type of cancer he has, but I think he still thinks it's going to work :(  I've noticed signs that it's still growing. 

I understand what you mean about getting distracted with everyday things and then suddenly remembering what's happening and feeling the pain of the diagnosis again and the physical discomfort in you stomach. It's such an awful feeling isn't it. 
What medication is your mum on? And have you asked about clinical trials? 

I'm sorry that happened to you with your friends. I'll try not to shut my friends out, it's difficult as my coping mechanism is to withdraw from people. I'm supposed to be going on holiday with them in two and a half weeks for five days but don't want to regret going and not spending the time with my dad later down the line. Another thing I should talk to my therapist about

In terms of hobby's, I used to go to a stretch class and a combat class every week but stopped when my dad was diagnosed. I really should try to start going again. Do you have any ideas what hobby you might take up? 

I'm getting very worried that my mum will struggle financially after my dad passes, as he is the main breadwinner. They never got married and I'm trying to pursuade them to so that my mum might be entitled to part of my dad's pension. It's such a difficult topic to navigate though. 
 

I think therapy is definitely something you should consider, it's so important for us to process our emotions. I think you could get it through the NHS but the waiting list is probably very long, so I'm going to pay for a session privately so I can get support as soon as possible. 
 

I wish there was a support group local to me for young adults whose parents have cancer. It would be nice to be able to properly talk to people on Zoom/in person. 

Congratulations on your new flat! I think that's a good idea, you don't have to move out straight away. You could always move out gradually when you're ready and you've had time to grieve together. Your mum and sibling could always come round for dinner regularly or something, and you could still stay with them too. That way you can still support each other but also you can have your own space when you need it. 

Maybe your dad is saying those things to appear to be strong for you and your family? Or just make it easier (even though it's not at all). I'm really sorry there is no treatment for him that will work. Hopefully it is giving him more time with you though. Do you go out together much or is it a struggle for him? My mum hasn't started treatment yet, which makes me angry because if she was diagnosed a month ago, why isn't it happening yet? She had a biopsy on Tuesday and they told her it hadn't spread since they last looked but it's in her lymph node as well. She will be having chemo, then radiotherapy and then surgery. I haven't asked about clinical trials yet but I definitely will. She deserves every chance. 

I think if it was me, I would go on the holiday another time. You can always have more holidays, but your time with you dad is limited. Your friends should understand, and you probably wouldn't enjoy it if you go in a couple of weeks. I know what you mean about withdrawing from people, I'm the same. I regret that though and wish I'd just reached out or suggested going for a coffee or a walk instead of turning them down all the time. It just takes up so much energy trying to be social when you're hurting so much inside.

Exercise is good, I was thinking along the same lines. I've tried classes like that before but I think I would like to try boxing. I've been looking for kits to keep at home so if I get emotional I don't have to do it in front of anyone. 

I work in pensions, and your parents don't need to be married for your mum to be entitled to his pension. Pensions are separate to the rest of the estate, so if your dad has an Expression of Wish in place he can nominate who he likes to get all or a share of his pension fund when he passes. Most people nominate their wives and/or children. I hope that helps. It would be good for him to put a Will in place too. My boyfriend's sister passed away last year (also from cancer) and because she didn't leave a Will it was all very messy. I think there's financial support available too for people who are struggling with cancer but I will have to check that. Im worried too about my mum's financial situation as she won't be able to work for a bit. I turn 30 in a couple of weeks so I've asked my family to just help her out instead of getting me anything so she can just focus on getting through her treatment and not worry about food and rent. 

That's true, I've tried getting therapy before from the NHS but it's easier to pay privately. I will have a look into this weekend. Will your sessions be face to face? Yes me too, most support groups are always in the day when I work so it would be nice to do an evening or weekend session.

Hi Holly,

The chemo he has last week seems to be wearing off now so he is feeling more able to go out. He's still not going far, but he comes out to my sisters house in the next town over with the rest of our family. 
Is your mum still feeling able to do most of what she was able to do before diagnosis? 
 

That's really frustrating that your mum hasn't started treatment yet. It took my dad three weeks from diagnosis to starting chemo, I wonder if it would have been longer if the tumour wasn't so aggressive. Can you speak to the people at the hospital to ask them to have it sooner? I'm sure it must be playing on your mum's mind as well. I called the chemo nurses who organise the chemo when it was taking ages for my dad, unfortunately they couldn't do anything but maybe you'll have more luck. 
 

One of the things that I did is found the top consultant for my dad's specific type of cancer in the south of England, and emailed her secretary for a second opinion. Is that an option for your mum? They might have more knowledge about clinical trials etc. This lady had done research in to my dad's type of cancer so it gave me more reassurance that she knew what she was doing. 
 

I think my dad would have nominated my mum to get his personal pension so I'm relieved to hear that. Do you know how it works with state pensions? I think my parents have a Will in place. I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriends sister. It would be a good idea for you to call Macmillan to talk about financial support whilst your mum is ill, as they have grants they can give. 
 

My therapy will be face to face, I saw my therapist last year for some other stuff so I've messaged her to ask for another session. She's really great. 
My manager gave me the details for a therapist through work but I called her and she was really bad.

Maybe when I feel more up to it I might organise some sort of support group because there must be others in our situation. 

That's great that your dad is able to go out a bit. My mum still insists on doing what she did before her diagnosis, but she can't really eat much now. The nurses told her that she needs to put as much weight on as possible so my mum is drinking these prescribed drinks which contain a lot of calories. She said she put on 2kg on Saturday, but she's still really skinny. I was looking at photographs yesterday and I could really see the toll it's had and how healthy she used to look. 

Thats really helpful, thank you. I didn't think of that before, but it's a really good idea. I'll contact who I can because I want to help in some way.

State pension is different, I looked it up and I found something which said "it may be possible for the estate to claim up to 3 months of your basic state pension if you're not married when you die". So it will be dealt with as part of the estate rather than like a separate private pension with an expression of wish form. 

That's great you've found a good therapist. I have tried therapy before but I didn't find it helpful. It's clearly worth doing research and speaking to different ones to make sure they're right for you. I hope it goes well. 

Yes definitely, it's strange because when you first hear about a loved one's diagnosis it feels so lonely but there are so many people going through it as well. I'm glad I reached out on here.

Hi Holly, 

I know how awful it is seeing your parent loose weight, my dad went through a period after chemo if not eating and he would get annoyed at me when I kept trying to pursuade him to eat. My dad seemed to do better with soup, he would eat half a tin at a time. Have you tried giving your mum soup? Also my dad liked drinking McDonald's milkshakes. It's good that she has the calorie drinks. 

Have you heard any more about when your mum will start chemo? My dad is supposed to be starting radiotherapy which is shown to be more effective on his type of cancer, but they haven't given us a date as they need to look when they can fit him in and they're understaffed

I'm frustrated because the experts in the US are treating people with my dad's type of cancer very differently to the doctors in the UK. I don't think they're giving him the best chance. 
 

Thank you for letting me know about the pensions. I had therapy this week and it was very helpful. I think it's really important to find someone you get on well with. I found mine through here: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

How are you doing emotionally now? Has it sunk in a bit more? 

Hi,

How is your dad doing now with his weight? Is he eating a bit better? My mum is ok with some soups but a lot of foods hurt because the cancer is right above the stomach at the bottom of the oesophagus. She's put on 2kg recently because she's been having these prescribed drinks from her GP called 40 Sips which is great. Has your dad tried those?

My mum has got to see an anaesthetist and an oncologist first to make sure she's fit enough for the surgery she needs. Her last appointment is on 5th September so I'm hoping the treatment starts as soon as possible after that.

Have you tried chasing up your dad's appointments for treatment using the Patient Information Liaison Service? They work for the NHS but for the patients if that makes sense. I've used them before and they were good. How is his type of cancer treated in the US? 

Thank you for the link for the councelling. I'm glad it went well for you and hopefully continues to do so. I got a punch bag last week and that's helping a lot, and it helps me feel tired so I can sleep a bit better. 

Yes it has sunk in a bit more, I still feel guilty for not being with her every day but we can both talk about it now without getting upset. My brother was only told about her diagnosis yesterday because he's been on his honeymoon and she didn't want to spoil it for him, so now it's out in the open it's a weight off everyone's mind. 

How are things for you at home?