Hi.  

I'm not sure what I want to say.  I think I just want to get a lot of stuff out.

I had a mole check in December 2021 and my doctor diagnosed 2 irregular looking moles on my back.  I naiively thought it was no big deal (!!), they had been found and would be removed.  The 2 moles were removed about 3 weeks ago and the incisions have been recovering very well.  Despite me having had sunburn as a child, teen and young adult and being covered in moles, this was my first check up.  I'd kept an eye on the moles I could see but obviously didn't think about the ones on my back.

My doctor phoned me yesterday to tell me that both moles were found to be melanoma.  She did say it was early stages but obviously I wasn't listening enough to fully take in what she was saying (I was also supervising my youngest child with things on the stove).  I'm not sure exactly what early stage she's referring too.

So, of course I Googled everything.  And now I've terrified myself.  I'm less worried about the moles - I think my doctor removed them well and I'm also booked in to have a second excision to remove "normal" surrounding tissue.  I'm worried that the melanoma may have spread to other parts of my body.  I feel generally fine, except I haven't slept particularly well this past week (I have sporadic episodes of insomnia) and pretty much nothing at all last night.

I'm worried that at 46 my life is over (a tad melodramatic!).  I'm worried there were things I wanted to do but haven't done them.  I'm worried that I'm over-worrying - I do have a tendency to over-worry in the ridiculous notion that if I worry about something it'll be less of an issue when it does/hopefully doesn't happen.  I worry about other people's lives going out without me and all the developments that take place.

Most of all I'm worried about my children.  They're both under 12 and amazing people.  I homeschool them so if I died there would be a massive gap in their lives.  I worry about who is going to drive them to places because my partner doesn't drive.  I worry that they'll forget me, especially my youngest.  I worry that there will be times they won't know what to do and I won't be there (not that I am a fountain of wisdom!)  I worry that my super-sensitive eldest child will keep everything inside and worry (she's very much like me).  I worry that I will miss them growing up and becoming adults and all the things that go with that.  I worry that they will be severely affected if I die.  My brother in law's mum died when he was 16 and he went off the rails for a few years.

Sorry for the outpouring.  I kept it reasonably well together yesterday and I've been a zombie today but I spent most of alast night freaking out about my children having to grow up without me.

I haven't told them yet about the cancer, which I'm finding very strange because I try not to keep secrets from them.

I know the recovery rate from melanoma is about 90%, if it's caught quickly enough.  And the latter part is what worries me because the moles were discovered in December and only removed 3 weeks ago.  Could parts of them have broken off and wandered into other areas?  How would I even know?

I had a school friend who died of cervical cancer 2 months before she turned 40 andI admit it freaked me out.  She also left a 7 year old daughter.  I can't imagine having to explain to your child that you have cancer and that you're going to die.

Sorry, again for the verbal diarrheoa, I've just been holding most of this in and I think I just wanted to get it all out.