Its been almost 2 years since my first post, and almost a year since my last.
I'm now 18 and feel, (slightly paradoxically) simultaneously aware of my mental and spiritual position in the world as well as how lost I am. The more I seem to feel like I experience growing up, the more I feel lost, and the more I long for a male role model.
I broke up with my Girlfriend a few months back, and it was the worst period of my life since my Dad passed. I think it reminded me of that period of grief, and how im still not over what happened with my Dad.
I dont really understand how I feel but what I do know is I still feel an unimaginable amount of pain and this is only made worse by the fact I dont have any guy to open up to about this.
I just want him to know im trying my best. Since he died its all I've ever wanted to do. I want to be what he was and better, I want a Dad. But ill never get one and it hurts, I never brought my ex girlfriend to see his grave and meet him and I regret it, I wanted to show my Dad I was growing up. I love and miss him, I feel unimaginably alone without a Dad to guide me sometimes and I just want have him back.
Sometimes I fell so bad it hurts, physically.
I miss my Dad.
