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New relationship after death

jukeboxjulie
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My best friend died 18 months ago. We have supported her husband and looked after him as best we can. Including him on holidays with our group as we always had done when our friend was alive.

He’s reached the point where he’s ready to date and it seems he’s getting on well with someone and been on quite a few dates. We’re so pleased for him and although he was very stoic and getting on with it eg going abroad on his own, he was very lonely.

My problem is that I’m not ready to meet her yet. I feel I’m not done grieving for my friend and although he does need someone in his life, I don’t “ need” her. I know his life has changed more so than mine. I’ve got my partner. I’m not coming home to an empty house etc I feel that he might think that because he’s ready to date then I should be ready to meet her. I think it will become serious so I will meet her eventually but not yet. I’m sure she’ll be in no rush to meet her mans, dead wife’s friends. 

I hope she is everything he wants and makes him happy but hope he understands.

anyone had experience of this?

  • Offline

    Sorry for your loss, and it's lovely that you've been so supportive to your best friend's husband. I don't have exactly the same experience, but I did lose my dad and my mum is now in a new relationship. She lost my dad and met her new partner in her 60s. I definitely don't need her new partner in my life as he in no way replaces my dad (nor does he try), plus you never completely get over the grief of losing someone you love, you just learn to live with it and the sadness becomes less. However I accept my mum's partner as he is important to her and makes her happy. I guess it comes down to how important is your best friend's husband to you, and how big a part does he play in your life? If he is also a close friend, then I think you need to accept his new girlfriend and meet her, regardless of how difficult you may find that at first. If you don't meet her I think he may be very hurt by it. It may also suggest that in some way you feel he's moved on too quickly (which I can see from your post you don't think that, but it may come across that way). I think you may be surprised and find that it is not as difficult as you may think. Your best friend's husband is probably still grieving for his wife, and just because he has a new girlfriend it does not mean he loves your best friend any less. I hope this is some help to you! x

     

    Have you been to grief counselling? You may find it helpful.  

  • Offline in reply to SW80

    Thankyou for your response. 

    We ( our other close friend and I) did explain how we felt and he totally understands. We told him that we support him and hope she is everything he wants. 

    He isn’t hurt by it but because we encouraged him he obviously didn’t think about how we felt. 

    I do feel that most people have concentrated on our friends husband and his needs and we’ve fallen by the wayside a bit. We knew her for 30 years ( she was 52). A lot longer than most around her including her husband. 

    Like I say our lives don’t change much, not like his has so we fell over ourselves seeing that he was ok and really pushing ourselves to one side. It’s when it’s come to something like this that we are reaching out for some consideration ie time to adjust to his new situation before we meet his new woman. 

    Now that we’ve explained he “ gets it”.

    we promised his wife we’d take care of him and we are previleged to be able to do that and hope he remains in our lives. 

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