My dad died 8 weeks ago whom I was very close to, but I can't help feeling angry with him this week for how the impact of it has had an effect on my finances. 

I am quite aware of the ping pong game of emotions and don't worry that anger is part of it all, but I'm angry because I took time off work to care for him at home. Not for one moment do I regret this. This meant extra and unsociable hours pay and an agency job I do to earn extra money, left me over the last 3 months significantly short of money which is having an impact on the children, as I'm unable to afford anything through the summer holidays.

My sister also spent a large amount of money to come over from America and hrlp care for him and she too lost wages and now is coping with the repercussions of that. 

My mum and I are tyding up dads finances snd we have found a significant amount of money alongside a significant amount of savings he had too. Along with mum's savings, she's not badly off now. Aged 85.

Im angry as selfishly, I see all this money she's sat on and know that between myself and my siblings it will be left for us one day, but I'm encouraging her to use it for herself and future, ie, adapted bathroom so she can shower safely etc. New flooring for kitchen etc which is well in need. What upsets me is that dad never thought just to leave the 3 of us just a little something. I feel appauled at myself for feeling like this as I'm far from materialistic and usually am very self sufficient, but I'm resenting the fact that caring for him has placed me in debt. I can't tell mum as my pride is held too highly. She'd be upset knowing I feel like this but don't want any money lent me because she feels concerned for me. It would have been better gifted voluntarily. 

I feel terrible as I'm not the one who lived having had cancer. But life after cancer affects the loved ones around that person more than one could ever anticipate. Cancer is a dark entity that consumes everything around it and I have to admit it traumatised me in ways I was never prepared for. Even now, it is still having its detrimental affect on what it's done to us all. Even to our, or should I say, my finances. I was never prepared for this obstacle to have to stumble over and my counselling didn't broach this subject either. I'm dealing well with the emotional side I think, but resenting the struggle with the financial side and I can only guess its because I didn't see it coming, where as I was better prepared emotionally. 

I feel embarrassed to admit this on here but apart from my husband, sister and friend, no one knows how much it is knawing at me. I feel angry at the cancer for doing this. It destroyed my dad and its still destructive in the aftermath of its path.