Hi, I went through the same thing with my fiancé aged 23 who had prostate cancer. He was recently declared cancer free just last month. 

Last year when I finished my last year of studying I had so many dreams of us after University to work abroad and travel and I had even got a job offer in Europe when I found out he had cancer and our whole life was put on hold.

At first he felt guilty of burdening me with a relationship with someone who was so sick but eventually after reassuring him that I was here to stay everything was fine.

when he got more sick, vomiting, body paints, chronic stomach aches, migraines, I used to get so worried and the more worried I’d get the more he’d push away. Say everything is fine. It’s nothing. Some days he would skip medication because medication made him feel sicker. He stopped sharing his problems with me even when he was in pain he’d pretend that he was not. He had lost so much weight from not eating.

Many people go through the same thing when in a relationship with someone who has cancer. Cancer is such a traumatic and life changing illness. You can’t expect things to be the same or ever get back to normal after being cured. 

Cancer patients tend to pull away and get withdrawn from the people they love. It’s a mix of depression, fear of death and not wanting to be a “burden” who has to rely on other people. A lot of cancer patients also don’t want to be pitied or treated differently so they push people away and try to pretend everything is okay.

You may sometimes feel like they are being selfish or don’t care about you anymore or you may feel like they don’t want to share their suffering with you but that’s because they can never share their suffering. We can never understand what they go through and they can’t even explain it to us.

The only thing you can do is be patient with her, encourage her to take her medication. Live in the moment. Don’t talk about dreams and future that she may feel she won’t  be able to share with you. That would make her more depressed. Live daily, talk about your day. Give her entertainment at home, like movie dates at home and romantic dinners at home. Don’t expect her to exert herself doing things you dreamed of doing now. She just needs to feel like her life is still going forward but in a realistic way. 

Her health is more important than your dreams to live abroad. Show her that you’re happy living your life anywhere as long as it’s with her. Focus on her treatment. Give her space. Give her time to focus on herself. Let her know every once in a while that you’re there’s if she wants to talk.

Continuing to nag about your life dreams and building a better future could be making her depressed because she feels like she is the reason that can’t happen and that there is a chance that it would never happen.

Live daily and live a wholesome life as much as you can with her right now without pushing some exciting life idea.

Have patience and all the best! 

I found out I had liver cancer which spread to the bones is stage 4 and poss terminal between 2-20years who knows 

i spend a lot of time in hospital 

my partner of almost 25 years cannot cope and asks me questions even though I speak to consultants cannot answer 

when he visits in hospital he set about 20 mins and talks about how bad his life is we do not live together as he looks after his Greek mum and has never told he he is gay so I am a secret but since I was diagnosed I just want to get on

i have just taken early retirement so need to sort out financial matters cope with illness and his moods and mine when I get angry at the cancer.

it is killing our relationship and there is no warmth there and I am to blame

cancer distroys everything thing and I fear my realionship is slowly going 

Why do you think you are to blame - did you choose to develop cancer? Nope, no more than you chose to fall in love with this closet-living, self-obsessed Mummy’s boy!

Cancer will never break down a relationship, but it does expose all the inherent weaknesses.

By all means feel free to be angry. Having cancer sucks and scares the cr@p out of us all. Just don’t turn that anger onto yourself - you deserve better :-) 

Best wishes

Dave 

He never comes to bed at same time am at hospital every day somethings aint right 

Just sad thanks for listening

Just sad thanks for listening

I can understand fully ,following rare spinal cancer diagnosis my world has been turned upside down .I have gone from professional to being cared for .

my partner can not understand my negativity at all .It's difficult to be positive and keep a smile when you just want to scream at the hand that has been dealt .I have very poor mobility ,no normal bowel and bladder function and nearly died if any embolism following surgery .All this while trying to be a mum to a 13 year old with special needs .

This has exposed major cracks ,financial worries ,how long can I live off my savings and living in a house that doesn't meet my needs anymore ,without the total reliance I now have on others just to live what is now not a normal life .My partner tells me he is leaving regularly because of my negativity ,it's hard for anyone to understand the grief experienced for the life you hv lost .We are stronger than we initially think and we find new ways through despite all the challenges .You are not alone ,look after your self and take care x.