My friends are online on fb there to far I have no one been to the doctors and they just give me tablets for my depression which I’ve put on weight due to them I hate feeling like this I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and my youngest son has been a totally nightmare his just called me lazy as I was just on the sofa with the dryer  on drying everyone clothes ,I was just writing this as we speak .

christmas was absolutely crap for me I didn’t even get a card off my partner I know it sounds silly but 15 years of getting a card which is important to me then a present it means the world to me that the person thought of u to get that card which I didn’t get nothing off the kids either .

i spent so much money and so  much time for everyone else that not one person even bothered for me 

Oh my dear Hayley; reading your post I can feel that everything is all over the place.  Welcome to the forum.  You have to start looking after yourself - as it seems nobody else is going to do it - for your own sake and that of your boys.  Take some time out for yourself; it seems these days as though too many people have to battle their way through life on their own.  If your partner has never shown any inclination to help you about the home he is unlikely to start now so you really have to make some decisions on where you want your life to go once he is recovered.  A bad relationship is not something you want your boys to think is normal.  You sound as though you have at least one good neighbour and I hope that this is someone to whom you can talk.  Do you have any good friends?  I realise that having had three children your life will always be hectic for some time but take a bit of time out FOR YOURSELF every day and if some of the housework gets a bit behind, well then so be it.  Do something you enjoy, no matter for small.  Take a bit of time to come here on a regular basis and tell us how things are going each day for you.  If you can bring a bit of order into your daily life you will be able to cope as you are a strong person at heart to cope with everything that has been going on.    You may want to visit your GP (as suggested by Mioderatir Steph) to cope with the stress you are under but please take whatever action will improve your life.  We want you to get through this for your own sake mainly but also for that of your boys.  Please keep in touch.  Annie

My neighbor just came round cuz she was sick of tied of hearing my son screaming and shouting at me I burst into tiers to her I told her I’m so sorry since my partner been back home we haven’t even talked we was neevr in the best terms tbh she called me nasty name when she was drunk this once a few years ago so I was abit shocked when she came round and gave me that hug anyway my partner has been a lazy father and before he got Leukaemia he did few things around the house like cut the grass and wash the cars that’s about it really odd occasions wash up but since getting Leukaemia and know in remission even getting up and having tablets feels like I’m nagging I feel like his mother I hate going to bed with him feels like a coffin I’ve been to doctor all they do is give me isn’t tablets and my favourite a diet plan OMG I have one meal a day as I don’t want to eat I’m hardly ever hungry now before I used food as a comfort when I was raped when I was younger I put on so much weight to keep people away.

mune and my partner relionship was great the intermediate  was amazing and the fun we had when no kids around was great there’s neevr been anyone that made me feel happy like he does even thou I do everything 

i look at all my friends on fb

and see here family photos and I know photos can hide the pain behind people’s smiles but I just feel utterly broken it’s like ye us partners are healthy ones and we aren’t the ones going threw the cancer but I’m away we am we’re dying on the inside seeing the pain having to do everything and more so I’ve had to clean his wounds in his bottom and he had slight bottom prolapse which I did with no effort and sorted his ingrowing toenails out make sure to apply the cream for his cellulitis which put him back into hospital as his temperature went up but his back out what I’m saying there’s not really many people who look at the partners and say how r u and really care we’re the glue that holds it together but what about when that glue starts to melt away as we’re to streaghed out and just want to ?? For the better word not wake up and start the day again yes it sounds selfish I’m a survivor of rape I’m surviving self harmed I m way to tied down full of self loathing to carry on much longer when kids go back to school I have a appointment to see my doctor on my dads anniversary of his death 10th January 

Hi again; it sounds like a good time to be on friendly terms with your neighbour; forgive her for her drunken lapse!  Re your partner, we woman sometimes make our problems for ourselves by doing everything - then the man gets into the habit of doing nothing!    I do hope he will make a full recovery from his leukemia but you cannot be all things to all people so at least he should do some tasks about the house.  Again, you don't want your sons to be brought up thinking that men don't do any work around the house!  I don't know what kind of tablets your doctor prescribed but if they are anti-depressants they may be of use in the short term? Nag if you have to - you are going to have to renegotiate the terms of  your relationship at some time or you will wear yourself out - if you haven't already done so!     What would you want to change in your life ?  Make a list then you can work out what is needed to do them.  At the moment you sound to be runing round in ever-decreasing circles and you need to be kinder to yourself.  Annie

I feel un-worthy in every expect 

why do I have to be carer if I could give away  my health to my dad to be alive I’d do it if I could give my life I would with in a heartbeat to my partner I just feel utterly heartbroken I don’t feel like me 

i have always been the rock for everyone 

i keep getting pushed aside but when everything turns upside down they turn to me one day I won’t be here one day I will need the help I know for fact none of his family would be trhere for me as when my dad passed not one of them txt me or phoned me 

His become more selfish then ever 

anti depression tablets are not working if amythink i feel I feel more low and fatter

Now you are really undervaluing yourself.  By the sound of things everything would collapse if it was not for you racing around to keep things together.  Did you have counselling or any other help when you were raped?  (I am sorry but I didn't read the last paragarph on your previous post because I thought it had finished in the paragraph before (sorry again).  Now I am no expert on this but even I wonder if you are carrying some sort of emotional baggage from then.  You appear to be coping remarkably well but as the saying goes "old sins cast long shadows"  - I know the sins were not yours but they may well have cast a long shadow over your life.  Did you discuss this with your doctor?  Annie

Yes been councillors from the age of 14 tell I was 20 as it happens when I was 13.i  when I got older  I thought I’ve gotten over it all but it sticks with you for the rest of the persons life. Sorry I’m dyslexic I don’t put full stops in when I need to.sorry.

i guess as I’m a survivor of may things the scars. Run deep of self loathing . 

i just wishes some one would do something nice for me for a change put me first for a change

So know we’re out he wanted to treat himself to yet other radio player even thou we have hardly no money what can I say ok  

my friend said his got a free pass he can do and say whatever he wants and do as little as he wants his got a free pass 

It is so annoying when you have almost finished typing a response then the whole thing vanishes from the screen.  So I am starting again.  Don't worry about the dyslexia - I should be used to it by now as my son is also dyslexic (aged 32 and lives in New Zealand).  Do not push away your neighbour; she sounds as though she could  be a good ally.  You do not have to please everyone, you know, you are entitled to say "no".  There must surely be some way of making you recognise your worth; I am surprised that your doctor did not try to find some way of doing this.  Actually, no, I am not so surprised as GPs seem to be so busy these days and just get you dealt with and out of the surgery as soon as possible.  That is perhaps too much of a generalisation but I have seen it happen.  We don't even get to see a GP at our surgery until you have been grilled by the reception staff.  I am just about to take the dog for a walk but would so much like to hear from you again if you would like to talk.  Annie

It was the first anniversary of my dads passing on the 10th I couldn’t stop crying I had to sleep on the sofa lump in the throat I cried so much to the point my chest was burning.

i feel so alone 

I try and talk to my partner then he changing the subject back to him