I am in my 40s diagnosed for Grade 3, Stage 2 breast cancer in 2016. Had a lumpectomy, finished Chemo and Rads in November last year and now on tamoxifen for 10 years. I know I should be grateful that it hasn't spread and had the all clear at last check up. I had pain around my collar bone (cancer side) and I had blood tests in May for full blood count, calcium, kidney and liver and they came back satisfactory with no cause for concern. However I feel I am in this prison cell waiting for it to return. Another family member also has cancer (diagnosed 8 months before me) but its terminal, found out Saturday that doctors has given him a year to live. This has brought everything back to the surface when I thought I was moving on. I feel guilty surviving, its so unfair how this disease takes us. Cried to myself at work over a silly remark, but my work colleagues don't want me to keep going on about cancer and how it affect us. I have to appear positive and grateful. They think they know how I am feeling, but they are not in that club. I can't imagine how people who's cancer is terminal feel, and I had cancer. Do all cancers come back, I don't think I will live to my retirement in 20 odd years. I have been feeling fatigue for months, still got chemo brain at times and now I can't sleep. Every pain I have is a sympton or sign. If I drink alcohol, eat bad food or don't exercise I feel guilty due to high risk of cancer returning and I am being selfish for having vices as I should be doing everything to stop it returning. Why do I feel so negative when I should be feeling and acting positively, be a good example to my children; after all life is too short, right?