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IVF after partner has passed away

Jen123
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Hi

I don't really know which section to put this post in but just wanted some advice from anyone who has been in this situation and reactions from others. My husband passed away late last year after a 3 year illness aged 36 (I am 30). Before he started treatment he visited the fertility clinic to store a sample and we always planned to use this once treatment etc was over and he was back healthy again. Unfortunately he did not win the fight and we never got chance to go down the IVF route. Since he died I have received a letter from the clinic saying that at the time he signed a consent form that passes the ownership of the sample to me for up to 10 years (7 years left) I am in no state emotionally at the moment to make any great decisions but just wondering if anyone has used their partners stored sperm for IVF after they have passed away or how others not in this situation would view it if someone they knew did this? The thought that I still have a chance to bring our child into the world and a little part of him will live on really gives me hope and makes me feel happy but is this a realistic dream to have? 

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    Hello Jen, It has made me very sad to read your post and my heart breaks for the position that you find yourself in. My son was diagnosed at the end of April 2016 with stage IV bowel cancer and secondary mets in all of his liver. He had his bowel tumour removed on 6 May last year and was determined to be fit enough for his wedding on 15 May last year which had been planned the year before. Faye and him had been in a relationship for 5 years and had got engaged July 2015. The wedding went ahead 9 days after he had his operation. It was such a bitter sweet day and he was so brave and lasted till the music stopped at midnight. 6 weeks later he started fortnightly chemo staying 3 days in hospital two different trials drugs, which briefly half way through last year show a glimmer of hope. Then in November chemo ceased, December was terrible as his liver had been damaged by the chemo and he was in liver failure , he was on steroids and did so much to make sure that everything would be in order for Faye, arranged his funeral, sold lots of his tools and machinery. Finally on 17th Jan he went to bed and died on the 19th Jan surrounded by his wife, myself , his dad and his two sisters very peacefully. He had had sperm stored before his chemo started and they decided to start the ivf process, This took some time and at the November they had their first try, unfortunately this did not work. They had discussed this before he died and they decided that they would continue to try even though Jonathan knew he was unlikely to live long enough to see his baby. Faye is very determined to have his baby and her family and mine will give her all the help that she needs if it is successful. I lost a part of my heart when my son died and it will never be replaced but if Faye is lucky enough for the treatment to work there will be a little ray of sunshine come into our lives. It is a decision that only you can make now, I wish you all the best for your life whichever decision you come to. You are a brave lady to voice this dilemma.xxxx leslie
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    Hello Jen I really do not know if this will be of any help to you as I am in a  completely situation to you.My cancer was on my face and was removed  and I am quite old, I was married about 35 years ago, after 5 years we had a son. He was not expected, but ten years latter we where divorced he is my only child. He really is the light of my life, and I now have a grandchild who is beautiful, if I was not here I would love to know my son was, for all the joy and happines he has bought his mother and many others I dont think this will be much help, but all my love and best wishes go to you on what ever decision you come to

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    Hello Jen, 

    I know you first posted two years ago. I just wondered if you decided to do the IVF? 
    I'm currently in the same situation and feel the same way you did! Thanks x 

  • Offline in reply to nico19

    hello Nico,

    I would just like to add to my post my daughter in law had a baby girl in Oct 2017.  My grandaughter is called Amelia and she is now 2 she is a lovely funny little girl who lights up our lives.  We have all done our best of support Faye and we have the pleasure of having her for sleepovers which is such a gift.  It was not easy for Faye essentially being a single mum but she had done an amazing job thus far and bought such joy to our lives.   It is hard to accept that Amelia will never have known her daddy but we have made memory books for her.  It is such a difficult choice to make I would imagine and only you can make it.  I wish you well in your decision makingx lesliexx

  • Offline in reply to sadmum

    Hi Leslie

    i just want to say thank you for this update. It has given me hope and I am so pleased your Son can live on through your granddaughter. 
    sending love 

    Jen x

  • Offline in reply to nico19

    Hi

    i have just replied to this but it seems to have disappeared. Sorry if it now repeats.

    I am so sorry that you have found yourself in the same boat. I don't have such a lovely reply as Leslie below, but it is positive in that I have my first round of IVF booked in to start in January. I have tried IUI over the last year, having scans etc. each month but only getting as far as insemination twice. Unforunately, it was unsuccessful both times. As I obviously have a limited supply of sperm I have decided, on the advice of my dr, to move to ICSI IVF. It hasn't been an easy journey so far but I am hopeful it will all be worth it in the end.

    As far as my worries about it being seen as 'socially unacceptable' go they have so far been totally unfounded. Everyone I have spoken to about my plans has been nothing but supportive. I am sure people will have reservations but no one has voiced them to me! 

    I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. If you want to chat further then please get in touch. 

    Jen x
     

  • Offline in reply to Jen123

    Hi Jen

    I know this thread is from a while ago now, I hope your IVF was successful. 

    I have a friend who was widowed last year and is now pregnant using IVF and her husbands frozen sperm.

    I just wondered if you had any advice or did you find any support groups particularly helpful? She has elderly parents and the rest of her family don't live locally so I'm conscious she will need a lot of support. 

    Thank you  

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