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Living with the fear

Newlymarried
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Hi Im new to the forum but have been following some of the chats and thought it might be helpful. In the 8th December last year my partner discovered he had primary tonsil cancer with secondarys innhis lymph nodes at 54. This was acomplete shock despite me being a senior nurse and our world fell apart. After undergoing a tonsillectomy, RIG insertion, 5 cycles of chemo and 30 sessions of VMAT radiotherapy he still needed a neck dissection and we have been told he is in remission following a CT and PET scan .The treatment was worse than either of us could have imagined but we came through and we got married in July. I know we should be pitting it behind us and getting onwith our lives but Im finding it difficult to live with the fear of it returning. He hadnt been ill , doesnt smoke, drink and were vegetarian so I find it hard not to think why him ! How do other people live with the fear and anxiety and doesit get easier? Thanks

  • Welcome to the forum newlymarried.

    It sounds like you and your partner have been through a lot over the last 11 months but it's great he was able to have treatment and is now in remission. Many members who have been in remission will really understand your fears and concerns having been through this journey themselves and now that I've replied I'm sure they will be along soon to offer you their support and advice.

    Stay strong newlymarried and remember we are here for you if you need us.

    Best Wishes, 

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Hi Steph - thanks for the reply and I look forward to chatting with others inbthe same situation. I know I should be feeling lucky but the fear and anxiety overwhelm me at times.

  • Offline in reply to Newlymarried
    hi newlymarried Firstly let me wish you and your husband health and happiness for the future. I myself was diagnosed in 2010 with cancer, and 6 years on still live with the fear and anxiety of it reoccurring. Some days it can be so bad I can't think of anything else, I feel silly for going to the doctor with every lump bump or pain and get sick of hearing myself moan! But! There really has the come a point when you think "I cannot stop living my life because I'm too afraid of dying". I wish I could say we will never get sick again, I wish no one got sick in the first place! But with the love of family and support of people who know what your going through, hopefully each step is a little less burdened. Some days will be better than others, and you will bounce between them frequently, but each night we go to sleep, try to be thankfull we made it one more day and look forward to many more to come. I wish I could be of more help and tell you how not to worry, but I can't, as no one can tell me not to. But sometimes it's the words or ears of others that help a little. All the best, and here to help where I can Xox
  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Hi there Newlymarried

    As others have said it is good to hear your husband is through the treatment and has had recent encouraging news.

    I am 10 years further forward. Having been unlucky enough to have two entirely different cancers. Breast and then Lung two years later. Like you I couldn't believe it, fit,healthy, slim and a non smoker. But you accept your lot and do your best to deal with it.

    My husband was as distraught as I was, especially the second time. I believe him to be more fearful than I am to be truthful. I have compartmentalised my illness and the subsequent problems, I try to look at the positives that this 'blip' has brought me. A new way at looking at life. Not taking anything for granted and a greater closeness between me and my siblings.

    I don't have any smart answers but my hubby has been better at talking about it, helped by a wonderful GP who could see he was bottling it all up.

    For me, a natural and open sharer ( too gobby for my own good)  forums and friends were my lifeline when the drugs made me insomniac or I just couldn't breathe! 

    Everything gets easier to bear with time, you are both still coming to terms with it. Do share your fears, don't worry in silence and use the forums. It will get better. 

    A double dose of hugs and hope to you both, always happy to talk!

  • Offline in reply to Joyous10

    Hi Joyous 10

    Its good to hear from someone 10 years down the line. Thanks for your advice and sending you loads of luck too.

  • Offline

    Hi I've joined the forum today and found your post. My husband was diagnosed with a cancerous lump at the back of his tongue and has spread to his lymph gland. We are in total

    shock as he is only 51 and doesn't smoke. We are due to start radiotherapy and chemo in January. Can you let me know more about your husbands experience with treatment as we are completely in the dark as to what to expect. He is terrified that his speech will be affected and is struggling to accept that he may feel quite unwell. He's only ever had 1 day off work sick since age 18 and is a very difficult patient. He's convinced that he will be at work next day and feel fine. Any information on what we might be facing would be greatly appreciated 

     

    nicky 

  • Offline in reply to Wifey25

    Hi Nicky

    So sorry to hear of your husbands diagnosis but I can definitely say that you are in the situation we were in exactly this time last year.Like your husband mine had never been ill was a non smoker,non drinker,vegetarian who went to the gym so the diagnosis was a big shock to both of us. He had no symptoms other than an enlarged lymph node on the right side of his neck so we found it difficult to believe that he actually had cancer.It hit us like a tonn of bricks and for about 2 days he was adamant that that was it and he was going to die - that was a very difficult time as i needed him to want to fight this thing.

    Anyway I can certainly tell you what we went through -warts and all if thats what you would like- if you think it would prepare you for whats to come. Paul didnt want to know and as a senior nurse myself who had been there in the room when others had been given the news I found that difficult but a year later we are here with him in remission and looking forward to the future.I wont say the treatment is an easy road because it isnt but I can certainly tell you what to expect and what we found helpful - just message me back.

    Best wishes

    Emma

  • Offline in reply to Newlymarried

    Thank you so much. My husband is also called Paul and he was fit and well until the lump started to grow quite rapidly on his neck. We have been told that radiotherapy and chemo will start in January but haven't got any more specifics until we go back to see consultant on 29th. If your husband had similar treatment can you let me know what is likely to happen and possibly how he might feel. Also how long did your husbands treatment go on for?  I'm so pleased that in a year your husband is in remission and fingers crossed we will be in the  same place too  

    Nicky 

  • Offline in reply to Wifey25

    Hi Nicky

    Im out this evening so will reply properly tomorrow. Keep positive xx

    best wishes

    Emma

  • Offline in reply to Wifey25

    Forgot to say have sent you a friend rewuest sobwe can chat privately xx

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