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My Dad is moving on.......

hellsbells1102
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Hi Guys,

I have'nt posted on here for ages. I found this forum so positive and supportive when my Mum was ill, I thought that it would be a good place to come for advice. 

 I lost Mum to lung cancer 2 and a half years ago. I have had a really tough time coming to terms with it. Some days it hurts just as much as it did the night that we lost her. I miss my Mum every single day, I would give anything to pick up the phone and talk to her again. I am an only child so it's just me and my Dad now. My Dad and I have always been close and if anything this ha brought us closer, at times it's felt like it is us against the world. I am so proud of how well he has coped! he has taught himself how to cook, kept the house spotless, joined loads of clubs, goes away for weekends and basically ha s a busier social life than I do.

A few weeks ago he mentioned that he had got friendly with a lady who works in the social club that he goes to, I was happy for him, I have met her and she seems like a nice lady. Last week whilst I was on holiday with my partner and his family my Dad messaged to say that he had taken this lady out for the day to somewhere he used to take my Mum. It stung a little bit. Yesterday I went to meet him at his club and they were there together and when we left he kissed her goodbye. I love my Dad so much and all I want in the whole world is for him to be happy. I don'nt want him to be lonely and I know my Mum would'nt want him to be lonely. I really wanted to be ok with it. But it felt horrible. it felt weird to see my Dad with someone else and I felt disloyal to my Mum. This lady was nothing but nice, but I just wanted to run away. This is so hard I love my Dad and I don't want to make him feel bad as he has'nt done anything wrong. But it felt horrible.

Has anyone got any advice to help me cope with this?

Lots Of Love

 

Helen xxxx

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    Oh Helen how difficult for you. However if your dad can find a little bit of happiness after your mum then he must take it. We ONLY get one mum but as you probably know it is possible to have more than one partner in a lifetime 

  • Offline in reply to Angiespangle

    Hi There,

     

    Thankyou for your reply,  I know you are right and I really want nothing but for my Dad to be happy, I guess I just need to give myself time to get my head around it all.

    Lots Of Love 

    Helen xx

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    Hi Helen,

    We havent spoke for absolutely ages. I can truley understand you still missing your mother after two and a half years. I dont think we ever trueley get over losing a love one; rather we just learn to live with our loss. My mother has been gone a lot longer and I still miss her.

    I can also fully understand and sympathise with your feelings when you saw your dad with his new lady. It must be so hard for you to deal with. I suspect I would feel the same. But your dad is trying to move on with his life and it cant be easy for him either.  In truth, I expect he also feels a little guilty too.

    I think it will get easier with time but just dont feel bad about your feeling for I think its only natural for you to feel this way. 

    Take care, wishing you all the best for the future, Brian.

  • Offline in reply to woodworm

    Hi brian,

    Good to hear from you it has been a really long time. How are things with you? I hope you are well.

    Tankyou for your kind words. It's all so hard, I really want my Dad to move on and be happy. I guess I just need to wait for my feelings to catch up with my head!

    Take Care Brian,

    Speak soon

    Helen :)

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    Hi Helen

    Lovely that you felt able to come back to the forum to chat through your feelings.

    I would say all you are feeling just now is perfectly natural.  When we lose someone so close to us there has to be a period of grief and adjustment and we never really get over a loss, just learn how to manage it as time moves forward. I lost hubby 15months ago and am moving forward but am in no way even thinking 'relationships' though I do have a good social life with friends and family.  However 10 months before I lost my hubby I also lost my best friend and her husband, whilst missing her dreadfully, also missed female friendship and it was just six months after her passing that he started to see someone (already known to all the family) regularly and still is.  He has three boys (adults all in relationships of their own but with one still living at home).  He sat them down and explained how he felt and said he would never stop missing their Mum but felt the need to have female companionship in his life.  To say the least it was not an easy conversation to have (he told me about it later) but in fact his Father in Law had done the same thing and had remarried and his wife had readily accepted it so he felt she would have understood.  Two of the boys were fine with it but one is finding it incredibly hard (not the youngest or the one living at home) and says he needs time to adjust.  His Dad still includes all the boys in all family discussions but is also having a 'private life' again.

    Take your time to adjust to the idea as it is obvious that you love and respect your Dad and would not want him to be lonely or upset by how you feel.  My own Mum was older when my Dad died but he had always said that she should be happy in life and not waste opportunities to be content. Wise words but not always easy to follow I suspect.

    Hope you are keeping well yourself. Take care Jules

  • Offline in reply to jules54

    Hi Jules,

    Lovely to hear from you, it has been a long time. I am so sorry to hear about your hubby and your best friend. Must have been an absolutelly dreadful time for you. I'm glad to hear that you have started moving on and have a busy social life. Being out and about and around people is the key I think.

    Thankyou for telling me about your friend and his sons, it helps to know that I am not the onlyone finding a situation like this so hard. I really want to be ok with it and want my Dad to be happy and not lonely and she really did seem like a lovely woman. i'm guessing that it is just gonna take some time for my feelings to catch up with my brain. I'm sure my Mum would be happy that my Dad had found some companionship although she would wonder how on earth he had found someone who could put up with him!!! i'll get there I'm sure.

    Lovely sunny day gere today, that makes everything seem better!! Hope that the weather has been nice where you are.

    Lots of Love

    Helen xxx

  • Offline in reply to hellsbells1102

    Good morning Helen,

    Thank you for your kind words. It's good to know that the forum can still offer support/friendship when needed and I have found it a real help with my coping mechanism.  Losing loved ones is always a difficult part of life and for some time I think I was on automatic pilot and just needed to focus day to day.  After a while I slowly found acceptance, an important part of my grieiving process, and am still supporting my children and grandchildren as they do me.  I began to set myself personal goals and it helps. Emotions still hit at times but this is normal I feel and just reflects loved ones passing.

    I am sure your Dad is aware of your love and will give you all the time you need to get your head round his need for social companionship.  None of us can see into the future but let us hope our day to day life can bring some happiness whilst good memories keep us company along the way. Sending a hug. Jules x

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