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I'm in Remission from AML, a Kind of Luekemia 

I'm 20 Now, I've been in remission since August, but did take a trip to ICU in September (wasn't nice...)

I Lost my Dad to Lung Cancer and my Mum to MND,

Anyway. Throughout my 20 Years of life, i feel I've experienced  a lot for someone my age and not in a good way, i had to become independent very quickly and thought out the tough parts, I've found that I'm the one who doesn't break, it's almost like I see crying etc and failing and weakness and somehow, I've lost if I am weak? Lost what though? I don't even know. Anyway, I've got a amazing family and boyfriend who've supported methought out this whole thing, the nurses in the hospital was lovely and dealt with me well even when I was a full blown sulky teen spitting out my dummy ..

My point o this is, 6 months on and I'm tired, I'm tired of my head doing backflips, I'm tired of walking into something and suddenly that's it, I'm fooked. I'm tired of feeling so alone when surrounded by the best people in my life , im tired in general. Sleep has became a stress, I'm so tired I want to sleep, but getting to sleep is a full blown task as it is, when I'm alseep, graphic nightmares or waking up panicking is what awaits me, being exhausted in the morning but unable to go back to sleep and having a massive sense of redundancy added to the mix to make getting out of bed just that bit harder. Throughout my day I feel anxious and low, I'm terrified every time I get a bruise or for instance, I could walk into a brick wall and break my nose, get a tiny nose bleed and convince myself it's back all in the space of 30 seconds. I feel drained. I'm terrified it might come back, 85% chance it won't but that 15% is my biggest fear. Like seriously the most petrifying thing ever. I wanted to start looking for a job, before this fabulous government kick me of benefits because I'm on paper better. 

But in my head,  I can't cope and that is so hard to admit and I still can't admit it out loud. Suppose there is a certain safety barrier being behind a screen rather than in person??? But Equailly, how do you tell someone yo Voice you've just come though a serious possible life threatening illness and all you can do is sit and feel sorry for yourself on the chance of something and all the 'ifs' & 'buts'... 

I've been strong throughout the whole chemo stage etc,but maybe now I need to focus on the mess that is in my head.