Cant let go of the fear

Hello all. My name is Gemma, I have recently had a radical hysterectomy for ovarian cancer and thankfully this was the only treatment i needed. The only this is i cant seem to shake that gut feeling that my life is comming to an end. I dont have it constantly but just seems to come over me every now and then, particuly when im starting to feel happy and put this all behind me. Does anyone else ever feel like this. The more i think about it the more i worry.

I wonder if the way i recieved my diognosis of Cancer may have something to do with it. In October last year two months after a standard operation to remove dermoid cysts I recieved a phone call out of the blue. I was told they found early stages of cancer within the cyst. I had no understanding about what this meant, what had happend, what was going to happen, how, what when i was going to deal with this, no where to contact and no one to ask questions. I found It realy tramatic. When i had my operation I was told, that as a standard prcedure they send the cysts off for testing and I would here back within four weeks and sooner if there was a problem so after two months I had forgotton all about it. I have been told that i should not have been told in this way, or at the very least should have been given contact details of someone who i could of contact for support and questions but i did not see anyone until nealry three weeks later. Once i realised what i was up against i could understand it and deal with the cituation and have remained fairly positive since, I just cant shake this worry. Is it just me being an over the top worryer or have others exsperienced this too. 

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Kind regards

Gemma

 

  • Hi Gemma,

    Glad to hear you were treated with only surgery.

    I found out the same time as you, and only needed surgery as well thankfully.

    I sometimes wake up in the night or struggle to sleep with thougths running away with me, I am finding it difficult to get back into normal life, as I fear anything I do wrong may cause it to re-occur.

    I also get pains and worry if this is more cancer.

    I think its normal to have these feeling of worry so close to being diagnosed and treated. I feel bad sometimes as I have had it so easy and others have to suffer so much, but I think its normal as well.

    I just try and focus on living life as it seems much more precious. I don't think I will feel "safe" until my five years have passed. 

    Sorry I could not provide an awnser but i think these are normal feelings.:)

     

  • I have the sane feelings after bowel cancer surgery some days I find I forget it has happened but then late in evening or through night I awake with nightmares or pain. I think its a normal reaction to being told matter of fact we are not equipped with knowledge when told and after surgery we are expected to get on with it.
  • You are so right in life being more precious now, i really feel a need to give back to charities like cancer research and mc millan. Thank you for the reasurence and for taking the time to reply.

  • Hi gemm I know exactly what u mean! On jan 15th i had my whole left eye removed as a rare cancer was found. It was such a shock. Yeah i have an acrylic eye which looks great but im left with all the s**t to deal with. I have panic attacks- anything could set them off. If my husband isnt around i start to panic. I am always feeling like my life is over. Like im on death row. Fortunatly there was no spread and the whole thing came out in one with no further treatment. I have 2 small children and cant function on a daily basis. Im constantly in fear of it coming back and not seeing my children grow up. Im only 38 so have my life ahead of me. I cant even look to the future. Maybe im depressed. Im going to see my gp on 25th to see if he will send me for counselling as i dont feel i can cope. Like u i have my possitive days but they dont last How are u feeling today?
  • Hi Gemma. I think the feelings you are having are shared by most people that have come out the other end of their cancer journey free from cancer. My source of cancer was never found so anything out of the ordinary makes me think is this it returning, i get the results of a chest scan on friday and as usual have the panic feeling its going to be bad news. For me personally cancer has taken up enough of my life through harsh treatments and the low days so i refuse to let it have control anymore and count each day as a real blessing and have chosen to live life to the full. I still have why me days the same as everyone but am getting back to normal (whatever that might be ) i hope you will find the strength to shake off the Control cancer has on you and accept the second chance at life you have been gifted. stay strong.
  • I am sorry to hear you are struggling, having cancer is hard in so many ways it realy has changed me. I am ok today but i do find myself getting emotional for no reason. Every day is diffrent, i am not in tune with my dody i dont know my limits and i dont know wherver i am comming or going. I really do eel blessed to hvae a second chance and feel awful for the many many people who are not so lucky. I realy do at times take it personly and feel guilty for feeling bad when i do have a chance that some people just dont have. I also have two young children and im 30. I hope the dr can help you. why such a wait for the appoinment though? perhaps you could bring it forward. Have you recieved counceling from mc millan? They may be able to help you through the difficult times and days, perhaps just to make sence of it all. I am sendig hugs your way and reaaly do hope you can find some brightness to shine on your days. xx

  • I can imagen why you would be on edge, never finding the source. I realy cant believe the diffrence it has on me being able to talk about cancer as its such a taboo subject. Not that i hide it but its not an easy conversation to bring up. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Good luck with your results on friday, i will be thinking of you. P.s your normal coment realy made sence to me, i dont even know what it is anymore. :-) Best wishes. xx

  • Hi Gemma, my name is also Gemma and I was diagnosed with bilateral ovarian cancer May last year. I had a total hysterectomy, bilateral oopherectomy and omentectomy followed by 6 cycles of chemotherapy. A diagnosis of cancer causes us to question our mortality..so your feelings are 'normal'. However it is very hard to deal with a cancer diagnosis and many benefit from counselling. I myself have just started counselling with Macmillan and have my second appointment tomorrow. I think you should most definitely enquire about counselling and any additional support available. May I ask you age?

  • Hello Gemma :0) I am 30 years old. some days its the hyterectomy i find hardest to accept.  I am glad your making use of the counceling. It sounds like you have been through quite a journey over the 10 months. Hope your treatment has finnished or is going well.  How lond did it take you to fully recover from your hysterectomy? xx

  • Hi Gemma, it took me around 6 months to fully recover from hysterectomy physically. I had no emotional problems re this. I'm 42 and my family complete but I'm sure it's harder for you being so much younger. I now have other problems related to the chemo...extreme joint pain and a cataract...makes me feel ancient lol