Hi Jules, 

We had a woodpecker in our cherry tree in the front garden yesterday but he was very camera shy and as soon as I turned up in our kitchen to try and get a photo of him, he moved round the other side of the tree so I was unable to get a photo of him. But I did get a nice photo of the moon the other day. 

Have come up with an idea for another story overnight which will be about a disabled service person.. 

Bet your grandchildren are getting excited about Christmas. I know our are.

Mrs B has has to use that crowbar several time in recent days as I just dont want to get out of my cumfy chair and niether does she. 

For once its not raining here (at the moment) We even have a small patch of blue sky showing

Have you been busy at work the last few weeks? It looked busy when we drove through the other day. I try and avoid it as neiither me or Mrs B like bieng in crowds. Thats why she always get her shopping done early in the morning. 

Have got to try and get  back into my usual routine. .

Garden is absolutely waterlogged

Take care best wishes, Brian

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Hello Jules, Just like you my journey continues. My husband Bernard fought cancer for 6 years but sadly lost his battle in January 2019. It has been the worst, sad and lonely 10 months of my life. Now I face my lovely brothers funeral tomorrow who died last week. This is the first funeral I have had to attend on my own without my strong Bernard to help me and protect me. Yesterday, I awoke feeling a black veil over me and at mid day I started to weep and I was still sobbing at midnigh!!!!t. What a sight I look today!!! Noone tells you the grieving process so I guess it varies beween people. I am finding my loss so difficult to cope with and there are days I dont want to go on without him. I hope your feelings of great loss gets easier and the happy memories take over. Please keep in touch. It helps reading about your journies. Hugs and loves  Gillie

Great moon shot Brian and I know just how frustrating it is to 'miss that shot' ha ha.  My son is always telling me that it requires patience!!

Thankfully dry here this morning too so after the gym I popped into London to visit two exhibits.  Grosvenor Square Gardens has a Memorial Garden (on behalf of a cancer hospital charity) which will be illuminated for the last time tonight. Donations permitted you to add a rose (plugged into the display) so thought this was something a little different to do in memory of hubby.  Quite moving and a fair few others doing the same.

Before I went there I also wandered round the new art installation (at Marble Arch for the next year), this being to inform about the number of orphaned elephants due to poaching. 

Finished my walk with a salted caramel latte before catching the underground home. Jules

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Hi Gillie

How sad to have lost your brother and be facing the funeral tomorrow. My condolences and hope that there will be others there who will help support  you.  I remember well the first funeral I attended on my own, just a couple of months after my hubby died.  An emotional wreck is a bit of an understatement but I was so fortunate to have others there who understood, held my hand and allowed me time to recover myself so I could honour our friend.

You are so right when you say we all grieve differently and no one puts a time limit of emotional feelings. I lost my Mum in July this year and it felt so different.  It took me some time (and certainly not by the first anniversary of hubby's passing) to understand my own feelings enough to be able to channel some energy in the 'new journey' I find myself on. All I now know is that I have to  honour his memory to the best of my ability and enjoy the life I am priveleged to still have; he told me I would cope and I need to prove him right.  Watching his illness take hold over three years was draining on myself, our children and our eldest grandson who was 6 at the time.  Nowadays I have four grandchildren who light up my world and this Christmas we are all together and I am hosting for the first time since hubby's passing (taken me this long to pluck up the courage!!).  Emotional yes but I see nothing wrong with that.  You cannot love deeply without then feeling the loss. 

I often dip into the forum and am happy to respond whenever you feel the need for a chat/  There is a lot of understanding found here.  Virtual hugs and inner strength are sent for the coming days.  Jules

Hello jules54,

I came across your thread recently which is relevant to me. I originally joined this forum about a year ago. My husband had benn diagnosed with mesothelioma and I found a lump in my armpit. Thankfully this turned out to be nothing and I could continue with looking after my husband. 
He had surgery, IV chemo, oral chemo and is now on the MIST trials. He came into a hospice 1 week ago as he was having so much pain so we was offered a stay here for pain management. Whilst here he got an infection and ended up in hospital. He was given IV antibiotics, fluids and seemed to get better. However, he is now at a point where he is on quite heavy doses of morphine, his appetite is poor (he eats mostly sweet things), he is Continuing losing weight and his body is becoming so weak. This was the case even before his infection. He spends pretty much all of his time in bed. In my heart and if I am honest with myself, I do not think the MIST trials are working. At times I feel he is on his last few weeks, sometimes I think days. I am terrified and do not want to imagine my life without him but at the same time, I want to know how long he is likely to have left and what to expect. I want to make his time left as comfortable as possible. 
Please write back if you can. I feel having been through it you can tell me what I could expect, offer some advice and some comfort. I don't want him to be in pain and if he does have limited time I want to make it as comfortable as possible for him x

Hi Chelbel

 Just seen your post as  message popped up on my laptop.Sorry to read that you find yourself in this sad situation.  No two journies are ever the same but I will try and be as helpful/honest as I can.  My hubby chose to stay at home and was fortunate never to be hospitalised but had his pain control managed by hospital clinic consultant/our gp and community nurses as well as having a palliative care number 24/7 during his three year journey.  He was unable to have surgery, had half a course of chemo before he was too weak to continue.  In the last six months he was on liquid only diet (plus anything he fancied which mostly consisted of sweet tasting things).  Weight loss was gradual but noticeable and we could not get enough calories into him to make a difference.  His pain levels were blessedly managed (he had a high pain threshold but went from paracetamol through tramadol and oramorph all taken orally until one week prior to his passing). When he finally needed the syringe driver (not everyone does) this was to administer mainly morphine in low dosage and a drug they used to reduce lung congestion).  My hubby was not a great communicator and never complained.  This time five years ago we celebrated Christmas (minus the food part for him) at our son's not knowing he would then deteriorate quickly and he passed away on 3 January.  He was seen by a doctor the day before and when I asked the question 'how long' he said anything up to around a week but it is never an exact science.  If I learnt anything during hubby's illness it was to be guided by his requests (not that many to be honest) and reading his needs but he honestly just wanted everything to be as normal as possible.  His last five days were the only time he was bedbound almost most of the day though we had a hospital bed provided for this time as he could not manage the stairs to the bathrooom.  

So not easy to watch a loved one going through this illness but always know you will have done your best.  Whilst devastated by my loss then it was so hard watching his suffering that when he passed away there was definitely a part of me that accepted he needed to be at peace from it all..  I was incredibly lucky to have had 37 years married and our two wonderful children and (at that time two grandchildren) were mutually supportive.  Draw strength from others around you if the offer is there and never ever be afraid to ask for assistance both for your husband and your own wellbeing.  

Happy to try and answer questions if you have them.  Sending virtual hugs and the best advice I know (and given to me through this forum) was to take baby steps and treat every moment as special.  Also be aware that some medication can be personality changing and always let his medical team know of any symptoms..  Jules x

Hi jules54

Thank you so much for your reply. I am feeling so sad at the moment because he has deteriorated quite quickly. I asked the 'how long' question and as you say it is not an exact science but I am told it will probably be weeks. He is so drowsy now but I keep thinking and hoping that this is perhaps the morphine. His tummy is also started to swell and I am hoping this is constipation. 
However, when I put all the symptoms together, i am terrified we are nearing the end and he is now not going to be any bettter than what he is. It's awful to see him deteriorate when he was such a hardworking active man. Sometimes it is a relief when the drowsy episodes happen.  At least at these times he is not feeling pain or the mental torment. He had never been a talker but I know he's terrified and so am I. 
Did your husband ever have episodes where you thought he was nearing the end but then perked up?? I know this is an odd question and as much as I hope this will be the case I am not sure it is. Please don't be afraid of being honest with me. I still have some hope but I am a realist whereas my lovely husband is happy to be blinkered. This is fine and works for him and I will protect him but in times of stress I have always been able to share my distress with him. In this case I am unable to do this because I have to think of him but I miss him telling me to not be silly and cuddling me better. 

Hi Chelbel

Firstly, as far as hiis fluids only diet was concerned, he could not tolerate solid food (led to his being nauseaus) due to constriction of the growing tumour  (he had pleural Mesothelioma of the lung linings).  He was prescribed 'Ensure' food replacement meals and liked the strawberry and vanila flavours best. His consultant just said to allow him to eat what he wanted, when he wanted and not to 'badger' him to eat because it was outside of his control bless him.  We had a his/hers side to the fridge and I found eating in front of him very stressful even though it did not bother him.  Sadly from his day of diagnosis he chose to distance himself from me and I now realise he was 'preparing me' for the inevitable loss. At that time I felt so hurt not to be able to comfort him. Hey ho.

It is very sad seeing the cancer take hold and I felt so helpless that I could do nothing to stop it happening.  We had a great consultant (and her assistants would explain as much as they could to me as I was the one who needed 'answers'),  My hubby accepted right from the diagnosis (2012 at aged 60) that he could not possibly know the timeline so it was not discussed with him other than to change his medication as and when he needed it. He certainly slept more but was able to look after himself until the last week with the help of visiting community nurses as and when required.  

I can relate to your feelings of sadness and fear as wondered how on earth I would manage without him by my side.  Once he died I set myself mini targets, carried on enjoying our family times and helped my adult children (then in their early thirties) and two grandsons to grieve.  Nearly five years on I am proud of how I carry his memory in my heart and hope he would be proud of us all.  This certainly does not happen overnight or in the short term.  I had support from many sources but throught the whole of his journey this forum was amazing and is the reason I am still part of this community.  He had a MacMillan nurse assigned to him but they were often very busy and it was our GP/community nurses who were our best support.

The morphine definitely helps with the pain but also causes constipation/tiredness but we were also told that the kind of cancer itself caused great fatigue.  Alongside the morphine my hubby was prescribed a constipation treatment to take regularly to help.  I think it is a relief to know that they are not suffering but the heartache of what is to come can become overwhelming at times.  Do you have nearby friend/family support,  I would go to work (only part time) and often be worried sick all the time I was there but he insisted we kept normal life ongoing and I only stopped work two weeks before I lost him.  It is apparentlyt not uncommon for there to be periods of brightness for some and actually on the day of my hubby's passing he sat up in the bed and let the grandchildren play all over him.  He was shattered but I am so pleased that we all had that precious last day (not knowing he would pass away later that evening).

I have my daughter, son in law and two boys staying this Christmas and they are well aware that we are chatting so it is no bother at all.  I just felt it helped to express myself to someone not emotionally linked to the family but who could understand thoughts and feelings............none of which are wrong by the way.

Regards. Jules 

Dear Jules,

Thank you so much for chatting to me. Especially at such a busy time of year. It has truly helped and good to chat with someone who has an understanding of my current situation. There are definitely some similarities. For example, 4 days ago he had a wonderful day. His 2 best friends visited and they had such good banter about the 'good old days' and what they got up to. It was so lovely to see. His voice was even pretty much back to normal (there are days he can barely whisper) and he ate really well. I thought things were on the up but sadly the following day he became unwell. The time of year this is happening is another similarity and the work situation. I gave up work just 2 weeks ago as I wanted to keep the 'normality' for both of us. 
I am still feeling so sad and scared but you have helped me to understand what may be happening. 
I need to just keep my husband protected and feeling comfortable and take things day by day. You have given me a better understanding than any of the medics - as wonderful as they are. I truly appreciate your time. 
Thank you

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