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Dealing with the guilt of surviving childhood cancer. Feel like I've done nothing with my life.

Rabbid
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I was actually born with jaw bone cancer didn't get noticed till I was 3 or 4 I was on a test chemo meaning it was still getting researched at the time I was on chemo for 3-5 years told it was benign and full discharged at 12 I'm 22 now and I just get flashes of memories of all the kids I knew and In the middle of the night the alarms going off and them being taken away when I was younger I was fed stories that they got better lived lives but now I know that isn't true I look at me one of the only ones that did get out and I've done nothing with my life I feel ungrateful for my second chance I often wonder what if it were me that died and one of them survived would they have done better than me I feel like I don't deserve to be the one that survived I wasted my life that was already a miracle why was it me and not one of them how do I deal with the guilt of being the healthy one

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    Hi Rabbiid

    You might need some professional help understand why you are experiencing survivor guilt. 

    You are just 22 years old your life has just started I doubt you have wasted any of it. You have sixty or seventy wonderful years ahead to live and do things with your life. So make a start on it. 

    Ed

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    You're only 22. Your life is only beginning. Few people have done much qith their lives at 22. Most are still at uni or taking a break after realising the uni course they choose wasn't for them or working an entry level job. 

    And you don't have to do something major in life for it yo be worthwhile anyway. You don't have to earn your survival.

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    Hello Rabbid,,

    Ah, the old "why me" question, it will come up with everyone who gets cancer, and everyone who survives cancer, the only difference between patients being how many times and for how long.

    As a recipient of stage 4 bowel cancer l was there at the start but quickly progressed to "why not me? " and then onto l would not wish this on anyone else. Going through treatment l was witness to all too many that did not make it, those younger than myself, some with children, most l perceived as more deserving than myself. 

    We do not get to make the rules of life, only to partake in the game, and can only play with the cards we are born with, yes you can make a mess of using them but you cannot exchange them for another hand.

    l know those who went into treatment alongside me that did not emerge the other side would have swapped with me in a heartbeat but would not have wished it on anyone else in order to do so

    l carry them, those l knew who fell by the wayside, their hopes and memory on my shoulder, they see life through my eyes and l have to make.my best life in order to make sense of their loss. Its not a burden. more of an inspiration to lead the best life l can. One that's not solely measured by achievement, but also by a deeper appreciation and understanding of the world around me, stimulation of all my senses. They have never been a burden to me, a privilege l have been fortunate enough to carry.

    The one thing l am sure of is that not one of them would begrudge you the life that lay's before you, use it well on your terms and keep looking forward, that's where your happiness awaits you,

    David

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