I had successful surgery in America for early stage Ovarian and  Peritoneal along with Endometriosis after 8 months of agonizing pain where they would only do ultrasounds and give me stronger pain meds in the UK. Now I’m on preventative meds for everything. It’s all “fixed”. I’m 32. I can go back to my work and even have kids later. But my brain is just stuck. And sad. And so, so ANGRY. Especially that I had to travel in so much pain and pay so much money and luck out to see a specialist surgeon who caught this early no matter what the scan said. I just feel so let down by the NHS who wanted me to wait for an URGENT gyno appointment until next March when I was already on liquid morphine and my GP wrote a letter begging them to see me. …. And I feel so weak being still in pain, being still told to rest and heal when I want to just WORK. I also feel so silly and ashamed that… it was early stage and I was in crippling pain. That every organ was in agony - bladder, bowels, appendix, stomach, uterus, ovaries, I couldn’t eat…and yet it had only just started. I should feel grateful. I just feel crazy. I don’t feel like a survivor. I just feel angry that this happened and angry at myself as though I let it happen or wasn’t strong enough to push through it better… and angry at everyone else complaining about their nothing issues and acting like it’s all the same. 

I don’t know how to move on with this anger and grief. Because to everyone else, even me, “I should be all better now”, even if I know, I KNOW that’s not how it works. But my brain says…it should be. I should be strong enough for that to be how it works.