Hi MrsHutch,

It is definitely understandable to be feeling this way - this time of year can be a particularly emotional one when we are reflecting on loved ones lost.

It's OK to let the emotions out - give yourself the time and space to be teary, to think about your dad, to grieve, to remember him fondly, and anything else. There is certainly no need to feel guilty - it sounds like you are doing well and will no doubt help to make Christmas a special time for your children.

It's good to hear you have some support around you. Do remember this forum is always a safe and supportive space if ever you need somewhere to write things down. I'm sure there will be others here feeling a similar way, so hopefully you'll also get some more replies here soon.

Do take care of yourself, and we're always here if you need it.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Mrs Hutch

I lost my Dad some years ago and reading your post reminded me of how I felt the first Christmas without him. 
I found that sometimes I couldn’t control my emotions and the grief. The need to cry used to sneak up on me when I least expected it too . Especially as you say out shopping listening to the Christmas songs. I find some  of them emotional enough without the added grief. 

But sometimes it’s good to give into it and accept you are going through such a tough time that crying is a way of letting things out and being vulnerable.

Maybe if you met with your friends and spoke about how you feel as they may not want to bring the subject up for fear of upsetting you. I found it comforting to share my thoughts and feelings with my besties as they know you well. 

I think it’s natural for you to think of all the great Christmases you had as a little girl and the gratitude you have for your Dad and how he made things special. I too reflected back and would lay in bed at night playing scenes of my life with my dad like mini movies in my head. I think it’s a way of processing things. 

It’s lovely you have your children to focus on as they are wonderful distractions and children really make Christmas special. They are also perceptive little people. 

Whilst it wasn’t the Christmas you would have wished for somehow you will get through these tough times and remember that you don’t have to do this on your own. 

Take care x