I'm going to try and articulate my feelings here as best as I can, but they really are confusing and all over the place.

For some background:

My mum lost her battle with cancer in February. She had only a very short battle with CUP, and hadn't even started treatment when she died from blood clots in her aorta. I still haven't come to terms with her death or even remotely begun to accept it. The 48 hours leading up to her death were traumatic to say the least, and I'm not really going to go into detail there as it isn't relevant to the situation I am in now.

Following her death, my dad and my brother and I were understandably devastated and even though we've always been a close family, my mum's death brought us even closer together and my dad and brother have both felt more at ease with sharing their emotions, which is only a good thing, obviously. 

My brother and I were very very concerned about how my dad would cope with the loss - he and my mum had been married 38 years and on top of that my mum dealt with all the bills and housework. Obviously, the bills and housework problem was quite easy to solve - we just helped him with all the admin and sorting out his finances. I was more than a little concerned for his mental health as we lost my paternal grandmother only a year before and my dad was her full time carer, and now he was going to be living alone in a large house, as a retiree - I worried he would spiral. 

Fast-forward a couple of months and in the summer, we welcomed a Ukrainian refugee to live with him, we'll call her Anna (not her real name - changed to protect identity) . She is wonderful - she has a big heart, a great sense of humour and a positive attitude. I've noticed a very positive change in my dad since she has been around - he is more motivated to cook and keep the house nice, and generally seems brighter in himself. She has fit in well and become part of the family, to all intents and purposes.

A couple of weeks ago, whilst Anna was back in Ukraine seeing her sons, sorting things out and collecting belongings, my dad dropped the bombshell that months ago, Anna had told him she fallen in love with him and whilst initially he wasn't ready for any sort of relationship, being apart from her has given him the clarity that he has fallen in love with her too and wants to give a relationship a try. I told him that I want him to be happy and that there would be no right time for him to move on; someone will always have something to say about it. We all really care about Anna and if my dad was to be with anyone, I couldn't hope for anyone nicer. 

It took a few days for the news to properly sink in and whilst I am happy that my dad won't be lonely and neither will Anna (she is a widow herself), it has still hit me hard. I have personally found this year to be the hardest of my life, with the death of my mum and then experiencing the happiest day of my life, my wedding (in September) without her. It is very hard to deal with the dichotomy of having the best and worst year simultaneously.  And now with my dad finding and falling in love with someone else, it just feels like too much has changed in such a short period of time. I am also autistic and find change extremely difficult. 

My feelings about this are so confusing, because I genuinely want the best for my dad, and Anna in turn, and before she died, my mum told him he had her blessing to move on, but I have never known him to be with anyone else.

I'm spiralling into a very deep depression (been there before and know the signs), and I think the relationship revelation is maybe bringing out my full feelings of grief. I have given them my blessing, as I have absolutely nothing against them being together and want both of them to be happy, but I am seriously struggling with it. I have begun to have migraines and panic attacks again and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all the time. I would never tell my dad about how I'm struggling with this, because the last thing I want is for him to sacrifice a chance at happiness because I'm struggling with it. I know that it is a "me problem" because Anna has shown no red flags whatsoever - there is no reason I wouldn't want them to be together. 

It's confused me how much it's upset me, because I really really like Anna, and I know she doesn't want to replace my mum....maybe I just need time to come to terms with it. Or go to grief therapy.....

Anybody else able to relate? Just want to not feel so alone with this.