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Dad moving on so soon after mums death - how to react?

LG85
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Hi everyone,

I've read so many of these threads and would really value your advice on my own situation. Apologies in advance for the long post!

My mum passed away this April after a long cancer battle. She was given a few weeks to live 4yrs ago and was still able to live a fairly active life up until the end, which although expected came quite suddenly. My dad and I were by her side and though it was a very sad situation, we were so grateful she had a great quality of life to the end.

My parents got together at 14 and married at 21 and were about to celebrate 49yrs of marriage. My dads social life was very dependent on my mums friends who have really rallied around him. I noticed that he had a steep learning curve when it came to basics like cooking and cleaning but he seemed to be coping, even though he was extremely sad. I visited every other weekend and sometimes stayed during the week. My brother lives in Australia and we have no other living family.

5 weeks after mums funeral, he went on a pre-planned holiday with a family friend who has been divorced for 8yrs. He has since told me he wants to be with this woman (who lives in Canada - we live in Bristol). He's now spending the next 5 months travelling and staying with this lady as a 'test'. I've just found out he's coming back for Christmas week and will then spend another 2 months with her. I don't know her well, but she's always seemed very nice and was close to both my mum and dad.

I'm feeling very conflicted. I want my dad to be happy, but this all feels extremely rushed and I can't help but feel he's running away from even trying to establish his own life here. When I questioned the speed his response is always 'don't you want me to be happy? I may only have a few years left myself'. He has had a skin cancer scare but is now all clear. 
 

I should also add I'm 37yrs old with a lovely family of my own and I'm 8.5 months pregnant (hormones!). I feel like I've lost both parents but is that just me being selfish? Should I be more supportive? As a final thought I know my dad feels guilty as he keeps offering to pay for things to help with the new baby. Whilst this is very generous (and please know I don't take it for granted), I feel like he's trying to throw money at me rather than be around.

Grateful for any wise words from this group Xx

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    Hiya,

    I'm sorry to hear about your mum, lovely. I had a similar thing 20 years ago but I lost my dad and it was my mum who met someone else. It's hard and I remember not being totally happy about it but I decided that the marriage vows were 'till death us do part' and my mum had been a loyal and faithful wife for 39 years so who was I to stop her moving on and enjoying her life. It's hard, and it may work out for your dad or it may not but ultimately he's a grown man who can make his own decisions, right or wrong. It is difficult if you feel he's being taken advantage of but even then, you cant do much. No one will replace your mum and your dad did right by her until the end. I looked at it another way which was that my mum was busy doing her own thing and that saved us (her kids) from having to worry about her. 

    Good luck with your new baby, you sound like a lovely daughter who will be there for her Dad. 

    Jane xx

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    Hello,

                 sorry for your loss which is always traumatic and takes time to come to terms with. When a long term partnership comes to an end, and 49 years is exceptional,any change from the previous status quo is always going to appear out of place to onlookers,but undeniably change will take place.It is not the change that is the issue but rather the direction of travel away from that. In a forced separation against the wishes of both participants,it can often be the case that that partner that is forced to leave,has a strong desire to see their other half go on to find happiness elsewhere,and their wishes can find a strong resonance amongst the undoubted conflicting emotions of the person left behind..Couple this with the natural urge to flee from the scene of the crime as it were, and going a distance may be the way of attempting  to achieve this.

    Of course your Dad will feel conflict over moving away from you, maybe this is his way of coming to terms of dealing with his own needs,but carries the guilt of putting himself first, the sign of a caring person. The time away could be the buffer and space he needs to sort his own emotions out and maybe in due course your Dad will return to you with the loving and dependable stability you obviously so treasure from him.

     Remember the sun is always there even when the clouds hide it from your view,

                                                                                                                                           take care

                                                                                                                                                           David

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