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Please someone, give me a walk up call!

Coll0042
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Hello,

I was diagnosed with grade 3 BC in August 2019. I had chemo sept 2019 - Jan 2019, surgery in Feb, radiotherapy that finished (from memory) in May 2020 and immunotherapy that finished Nov 2020. Before my diagnoses, I was thinking/trying to have a baby so I was also thrown into fertility treatment before the chemo. My oncologist recommends that I take Tamoxifen for 10yrs and of course you can't take Tamoxifen if you want to have a baby so I was told to take it for at least 2 years before coming off of it to try for a baby and then they wanted me back on it asap. It's now 2 years of being on Tamoxifen (well on 5th June) and I was utterly adament that I was going to come off of it but now the 2 years has been and gone, reality is slapping me in the face.

I'm confused as to whether I should just go for it or forget it. Both of course is hard. This affects me every, single, day and I feel like I should snap out of this anxiety/depression because I should feel lucky to be alive. I've also recently now lost my aunt who went through ovarian cancer 3 times. Sadly, the 3rd time was the end for her and I now truly understand survivors guilt! I sometimes really feel like I should be grateful for what I have and not want a child but I also can't help but feel (if I live on to do so and the cancer doesn't come back) that years down the line I'd be thinking what if... about children, if I don't return to the fertility clinic. I dream about what could be which I don't know whether or not is dangerous and giving myself false hope. I have people around me saying, 'you're not gonna try for kids now are you? Think about what it would do to my partner if they are left with a kid and you're gone.'

I am also REALLY unsure about my workplace. I had a horrendous time with my ex manager whilst I was going through the cancer treatment. I wanted to be at work and they made me feel like I was a burden at work. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Being at home just made me think about the cancer but being at work gave me some focus. The way I was treated left me as traumatized as it has done having cancer and of course because life is life, I've had to return to a job after the treatment whereby I REALLY struggle to get up to EVERY single day. My job is physically active which impacts the fatigue/pain I'm still suffering with, I can't afford to be anything else than full time and I just feel so unsettled. If I could walk away from this job I know I would! I've also discovered an animal care course which is part time, 1 day a week which I'd love to do but if I changed to this industry/line of work, it won't pay the bills! I think I'm thinking more long term with this because when I come to slowing down with work, I want to work with animals, period, end of!

My life just feels a mess and I need someone to be harsh with me and say sort yourself out! Should I really be thinking about having kids and coming off of a medication that is possibly preventing the cancer coming back when I'm exhausted, depressed, lost....???? 

Thanks to cancer, I just feel stuck and struggle with motivation. I have soooo many days off of work and even had a spa day the other day and told work I had an appointment with the drs because I just needed some space/thinking time/me time.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be ok and grateful for getting through cancer?

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    Hello coll0042.   First of all, I just want to say I am sorry to read of all that you are going through.  You are feeling a lot of confusion about the direction your life is going, which is entirely normal for all of us who have been through cancer and the treatment of it. 

    You ask why you can't just be 'ok' and 'grateful' that you got through cancer, but I am certain that you ARE grateful...........but that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to chase your dreams, whatever they may be.  PLEASE don't listen to people who are telling you how you should feel, because they are invalidating your feelings.  They have not walked in your shoes which means that they don't have the right to judge you.  End of.  I think that you are looking for someone to tell you what you should do, regarding whether or not to try for a baby, and sadly, no-one can make this decision for you.  The question you need to ask yourself is this:  How badly do you want a child?  Many years ago I made the decision not to have children.  I admit I do have times when I wonder if I did the right thing and yes, I do occasionally regret it.  But at the end of the day, I know that I made the right decision.  EVERY child should be a wanted child.  Having a child (or not) is perhaps the biggest decision a woman will ever have to make in life.  No-one can do this for you Coll.  Whilst it is true that if you have a baby, the cancer might come back and take your life and leave your child without a mother, it is also true that you could walk across the road tomorrow and get hit by a bus and your life will be gone.  I don't mean to sound harsh coll, but what I am saying is that there are no guarantees in this life.  EVERYTHING we do, every decision we make, comes with a 'what if'?  Do you want someone to tell you to go ahead and have a baby and your cancer will not return and everything will be rainbows and unicorns?  No-one can do that because no-one has a crystal ball to look in to. 

    You say that you hate your job, and that you want to do 1 day a week on the Animal Care course.........well then do it!  If working with Animals is what you REALLY want to do, then go on this course.  Coll, if it sounds like I am being harsh, I really don't mean to, but I am trying to make you see that your destiny is in your own hands.  Is it really true that losing one day of wages per week would impact your life that much?   Or are you looking for an excuse to do nothing about your situation? 

    Listen to me coll, I am no longer a youngster, I have been through cancer twice and I am now at stage 4, and one thing I have realised is how short life is.............you know what I  now regret?  All of those amazing things I wanted to do with my life but never did them because I kept putting them off and making a million excuses not to do them, when I should have simply grabbed those opportunities when they came along with both hands.  Sometimes we take chances in life and good things happen and sometimes we take chances in life and bad things happen...........but you know what coll?  If we NEVER take a chance in life........NOTHING HAPPENS, and we are left with a lot of regrets. 

    Anyway mate, good luck in what you decide to do, and again I apologise if I have been a bit harsh, take care, Violet xx

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    Firstly, I really sympathise with you. Cancer is tough. The choices it "forces" people to make sometimes are tough.

    Secondly, congratulations on writing down how you feel. It is important to get your feelings out there and not bottle them.

    So, how to go forwards? Well, the first thing that leapt out at me reading your post was that you couldn't afford to work anything other than full-time ...

    Pregnancy can make people feel very tired and ill whether they have had cancer or not. Have you thought about how you would cope in such circumstance? And how you will manage motherhood if you need to return to work afterwards? What if you were unable to return? And that assumes you stay cancer free ... Motherhood is a big challenge and it sounds right now as if your situation would be really stretched by it. Maybe you need to postpone a little because of that? I'm not telling you what to do here, because the only person who can decide is you. But bringing a child into the world is, I feel, a responsibility and we need to consider how it will impact both us and our future child's life. 

    Have you thought about either talking things over with a counsellor – someone from Maggie's? Or even an employment counsellor. In some areas, there are very good services linked up with mental health support charities such as Mind. Organisations such as Mind and Rethink can also help you find ways to deal with your Anxiety/Depression.

    When we feel overwhelmed it is often best to tackle that first and only then consider becoming parents as what may feel like a "solution" may in fact just stretch us even further. But I am not you. Only you can make the decision that is right for you. I am just pointing you towards people who might help you look at things from various angles and eventually the path that is right for you should become clear.

    Wishing you luck and sending hugs X

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