I'm 26. My mum has fought myeloma for 6 years (diagnosed around December 2015). When she was first diagnosed I had started working a second job and also started college. Between two jobs and studies my mum was worried I was keeping myself busy due to her illness, I denied this as I just needed the money due to both work contracts being very small. Looking back now I definitely feel I was trying to occupy myself.

A couple of weeks ago my mum told me she is now on palliative care. This came as a shock to me as the entirety of her treatment I felt somewhat numbed to it all. I took treatment courses as they came, I was happy for those that worked, and ofcourse terrified of the more invasive ones such as stem cell transplants.

ive moved out the house twice during her illness. Once for two years in a rather unhealthy relationship, and last year with my current partner. Although I visit home a lot (and currently living at home after her telling me she's on palliative care) I didn't do much to help her or my dad. My brother lived at home but my mum is very much the centre of the family and the one who took charge of housework. I would cook, get her clothes when needed etc and occasionally tackle the stairs (sweeping, hoovering). My dad would do stuff around the house too but my mum always mopped the floor and made sure the kitchen was spotless (she's very house proud, everything that should shine, shines). I feel guilty over this. My mum maintained a happy energetic life all through her treatments and I was always so tired when I visited to hang out with her. I wish I done more, visited more, text more, called etc and even though I cry multiple times a day (alone and to my mum) begging her to know I love her - which she says she knows so I need to stop - I can't shake the intense guilt I have for not helping her more. To me she was always my mum, there were no distinct changes whilst on chemo and I feel now it was a brave front I wanted to believe over what ever the reality was at the time.

when I was a younger girl (13-17) I had a very bad group of friends which my parents got me away from. I was verbally very abusive and insulting and my mum always gave me love in return. These are things I can't fully remember at my age as it feels like another life time. I have no idea if my memory is exaggerating the situations but I remember saying truly horrible stuff. I hate you, you're a bad mum and so forth. The sh*t things nasty kids say in arguments. At one point I knocked my pocket money after I was grounded to go out -something encouraged by the "friends" I was hanging out with .I haven't gave these memories a second thought as my mum and I were very close despite these fights and hung out a lot together. Our relationship now has been very healthy. Goodnight, I love you texts every night and sending cute videos, catching up on small details of each day.

since her diagnosis my brain is filled with the nasty things I've said as a teenager, the arguments we've had since where I've went to far, any time I've made her cry or just being horrible. Some of my mums previous treatments did affect her mood a great deal and instead of pacifying these spells I just retailiated and we would argue over the dumbest things.

I apologise endlessly. My mum hardly eats and sleeps a lot during the day. She says she can't remember the fights, and not to worry as kids give parents grief and tries to get me to stop mentioning them as she thinks I'll make myself ill. But the thoughts are swarming my head of moments I've taken her for granted as her illness has only just started sinking in. I'm terrified of losing her. In my life she's helped me financially, emotionally and even practically when I can't find things. She knows every detail of my life and I can't imagine not having her. I'm sleeping downstairs now as I don't want her hearing me cry. She's my best friend in the whole world. I'd give anything at all to have her longer. 

my life is in a better place in every aspect but she's helped me with eating disorders, depression and even feelings of suicidal thoughts (I had a very bad time at school from bullying). She has seen me through it all and comforted me in a way only a mother could. With love and soothing words that's always melted away bad thoughts and feelings. 

I hardly visited this last year as my jobs involve working with multiple people I was terrified of making her sick if I had covid. I've read old messages and there's periods of days/ weeks where I haven't text or messaged (these dates may not overlap as my mum would both text and message the same night so I would reply on one platform and not the other). I feel guilty ignoring messages as I have no way to prove I replied on another platform. She would message saying she misses me and asking if she's upset me etc or apologising for annoying me. She never did. I would visit at random without warning my parents to hangout or make dinner or just sit in their company. I can't cope with looking at messages from last year or previous years gone by where my mum said she misses me and I didn't reply. I most likely had visited when she was messaging or I replied as text rather than on Facebook but the guilt won't go away.

the memories that have came into my head from my younger years feel like poison. I'm not that person at all anymore and I think I was putting a front on to keep what I thought were friends. I hate myself now for the memories that came to the surface.

im scared I'm so scared. I've told her I love her, apologises endlessly and doing everything in my power to make her happy and comfortable. I'm helping with medicines and pushing for medicines to build her up. I want to help her more and I'm at a loss. Although she says I'm forgiven and to stop thinking of the past as she knows I was a kid that was trying to fit in, the guilt won't leave me. Im terrified of her passing away without knowing just how grateful I am to her. I don't have many friends, she knows the ins and outs of all my friends and she the only person on earth I tell absolutely everything to. She's the most beautiful person inside and out and this has opened my eyes. I'm scared of what I'll feel or do when the time does come. 
 

I don't even know if this is the correct place to post this. But how I was 10+ years ago is suffocating me. She's truly been the most incredible, selfless person I've known and will ever know. I'm so lonely.