Dating after loss of loved one

I lost my mum almost three years ago after a 15 month battle with Ovarian Cancer.  She was 57.  My parents divorced when I was a child and my step-dad has been in my life for over 20 years, he's now 60.  We're a close family and we were both side by side when my mum died.

He has recently told me, after being encouraged and influenced by much younger friends, that he's joined a dating site, been on a couple of dates and is continuing to get to know them both.  I'm happily married, never dabbled with dating sites and quite frankly value the old fashioned meeting people approach.  That aside, I do want him to be happy but feel extremely protective of my mum.  Her words to him were to wait a year, which granted he has!  And her words to me were to not be bossy but look after him!

I know the answer is my Mum’s words to me and also that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, it's his life, but I'm struggling with telling my emotions just that.  The child in me is screaming "I made it through my parents divorce, I certainly never signed up to having any step-step parents!"  

Hubby's thought on it is ... if my mum was still alive would I feel the same if she met someone new?  I'll never know, but I have tried to think through this and don't think I would, the overriding feeling is I'd want her to be happy.  So why is it causing me heartache when my stepdad's the one moving on?

Anyone got any pearls of wisdom to help me navigate this please?!

Many thanks x

 

 

 

  • Hi DeliasDaughter,

    I can certainly imagine that this is a tricky situation and difficult to process. I'm sure it is tough to see him moving on, or trying to move on, when perhaps things remain difficult for you and you maybe don't have an equivalent option, plus as you say, you are feeling protective.

    It's hard to suggest ways to deal with this, other than perhaps to try to reflect more on your Mum's words and your husband's thoughts. I'm sure it will continue to be a difficult one to deal with, but no doubt it will get easier and you will adjust again, particularly if your step-dad finds a way to be happy through this. I'm sure he will also continue to remember your Mum as fondly as ever.

    Hopefully you'll receive further replies here soon if others have advice to offer.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Thanks for your reply and good wishes Ben, I think the penny's dropping with my husbands words and I'm winning the battle with my innerchild!  No one will ever replace my mum just the same as no one would ever replace my stepdad had it been the other way around.  It's simply a case of him not being lonely and living the rest of his life as happily as he can x