Hi Jessica,

A very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis and of her stay in hospital. I’m sure that she is glad to be back home again. It sounds as if this has been a huge shock to all of your family. It is particularly difficult to accept a stage 4 diagnosis as her initial introduction to her cancer journey. Everything seems to have happened so quickly that you can hardly have had time to come to terms with all that has happened.

I cared for my own mum who had breast cancer for 12 years. In her final year this had metastasised into her brain, bones, liver and lungs and it was heart-rendering to watch her fail so quickly. Many people feel useless and frustrated at this stage because they feel that there is little that they can do to help.

It is a worrying time for all of the family, but instead of worrying about how you’ll all cope, try to build memories with your mum, while she is well enough to do so. She may not be feeling like eating as she may be feeling nauseous and tired. You are doing the right thing in trying to persuade her to eat more nutritious meals.  Don’t put her off by putting too much food on her plate. She is better with smaller portions of tempting food, given maybe every 4 hours or so. Make sure that she drinks as much as possible, as you don’t want her becoming dehydrated.

Are there any people that she might like to see or places that she might like to go? If so, perhaps you could arrange this? Many people say that they feel useless and frustrated because there is little that they can do at this stage. This is not the case. The very fact that you are there by her side, sharing her journey, will be a big relief to her. Talk to her, tell her how much you love her, ensure that her medication is doing the job that it’s meant to do. If her pain is not being fully controlled, alert her Dr or nurse to the fact that she needs something stronger.

Always accompany her to any hospital visits. Allow her to rest as much as she needs to. Try to approach all this as positively as you can. I know that this will be difficult to do, but it will make all the difference to your mum and all of the family if you can. Try to speak openly and honestly between all of you. It is difficult to be the stronger person, but that is what you have to do. Many feel that they won’t be able to do this, but somehow or other we always find the strength to cope.

Please keep us informed about how you are getting on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jessica, 

Hoping I'm not to late to join in and help! My mum has lung & brain Stage 4 cancer, she is now in a hospice but when thing's werent as bad as this she did enjoy a lot of time at home. When having chemo she was very tired too and some days did not want to get out of bed. I found the most helpful thing was to make things as easier as possible for her. I don't know if you live with mum or not but I did not and so I moved a few things around so she didn't have to move far to reach anything and always made sure she had a book, a few films and she loved to do knitting. I also found a couple of craft kits in hobbycraft which kept her busy. The reason I moved things around for her and made sure she had everything at arms reach is because when she couldn't move far, it really got to her confidence and made her feel low. I think it's just the little things you have to do, and sometimes even just sitting there with her watching a film is the best thing to do, just take a moment to forget about the cancer and have some quality time together. Good luck x