Becoming a mum without a mum

I am really struggling at the moment. I am 6 months pregnant with my first baby. I lost my mum suddenly to cancer in March; I had only known she was poorly for 27 days and she was only 45 years old. I originally became pregnant in January and my mum was so excited. Unfortunately we lost that baby and my mum was so supportive and completely by my side. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through it without her.

Now I am pregnant, I just don't know how to get through it without my mum. I want to talk to her all the time, I want to show her scan photos. It has brought to mind how many things I never got to talk to her about, how many things I would like to ask her.

All I can think about is how my baby girl will never get to meet her grandma and how she will never get to have the same experiences and make the same memories my nieces and nephew have been able to.

I wouldn't say it is ruining my experience; I am so happy to be pregnant and feel so grateful to be where I am in the pregnancy. I like to think of this baby as a blessing from my mum. But I am on the verge of tears all the time and it is making everything else seem like such hard work.

I'm not sure what I'm wanting from writing this post. I just don't know what to do to deal with what's going on and how to process things properly. I don't think I had really come to terms with losing my mum before I fell pregnant...in fact, I don't think I have come to terms with it even now. It still doesn't feel real.

Thanks to anyone who gets this far, sorry for the ramble!

Offline Chriss over 5 years ago

Hi there ...
So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment .... life and cancer is crule ... and when wer pregnant our hormones are all over the place, which will add to your loss and emotion ...
The thing I have done for my little granddaughter... she's so young (in pic) and I'm scared if this cancer takes me, she won't have any / many memories of me and her .. so sinse she was one, I've made a memory book for her .. with photos and stories about my mum and dad .. her daddy when he was growing up .. so she'll know about me ...
You could do your own memory book of your mum .. get as many photos of her from young to teenage years to having you .. and write a little something on each one .. anything you remember .. because we do forget over the years .. I love looking back on that book as there's always something that reminds me of something I'd forgotten ... that way you bring your mum along with you .. my boys still put photos of my mum on their face book... 30 years down the line ... and my granddaughter, who's never seen her, knows all about her .. and when she finds a white feather, says .. look nanny, your mummies left us another feather .. I tell her that bright star in the sky... that's my mummies star ...
It's just a thought ... but I loved doing those memory books .. even if I still have the odd tear ... so you keep your mum right there in your heart .. and remember you are half of her... she will live through your eyes ... as you will be always with your baby ... wer connected by that invisible cord that joined us ... it may have been cut at birth .. but it's always there ...
Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx
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Offline a_sweet_89 over 5 years ago in reply to Chriss

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply; it means a lot.
That's a really good idea, I was thinking of putting one together for my sisters for Christmas, but I hadn't thought of doing one for my baby/me too.
It's a lovely thing you're doing for your granddaughter and something she will treasure forever, I am sure.
Take care of yourself xx
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