Hi again, Thank you so much for the taking the time to reply. I have been fortunate that my sleeping pattern returned to normal relatively soon, while I was caring for my husband I was up every two hours. The waking up in the morning is one of the worst moments of my day.

I have kept busy too, and like you I think the greatest support comes from family and friends. My husband's terminal illness was such a shock for all of us and for those friends who didnt see him in the eight weeks, they find it hard to grasp how he could be gone...we keep in touch and plough through the events trying to make sense of it..I also walk a lot..and read...but I am totally stuck, clinging to him and the past..there have been a lot of firsts, all painful, and I realize I am nowhere near ready to move onwards. I have been given so many well intended suggestions what to do and it generally upsets me..buy a dog, take a course, plan trips etc ...I am way out of my comfort zone and just want things to be as they were...hence the xanax ..plus a glass of wine here and there, although I have been told white wine is a depressant...and no good in combination with xanax...one of the reasons for my original question..good that you have found comfort in gardening, I dont have green fingers and to be honest I find it very hard to be in our familiar surroundings, home and gardenand have been away as much as I possibly can...avoidance..something for a next post I think, how people cope with that one...thank you again for your reply, take care

Hi

I don't have green fingers but think I took my anger/emotions out on the weeds and was calmed somewhat!My husband preferred to stay indoors so suppose I was not so aware of him not being by my side when out there. 

I do hope the medication you are taking will bring with it some calmness for you.  It must be very hard just now as you struggle  to get used to the new normal that none of us wanted.  I have in the past 14 months since hubby passed away had good support but eventually found myself able to 'accept' my widowhood whilst still missing his presence.

I too had well meaning suggestions (inside I was not amused or helped by them so think this is quite a normal feeling) but the one that upset me the most was that I should probably move as the house would be too big for one person.  Having lived in it for all of our 37 years of marriage I actually feel safe here and my new focus is to invest in it for my future for however long that may be.

Be kind to yourself and take care. Jules

Hi Jules, the house question has come up many times already here too..we lived in our home together for 24 years..I am not in any state now to make big decisions...and I feel I have had to take so many unwanted decisions already...my big issue is that I have been avoiding spending time at home...its too painful..too many emotions, as much as we loved being there, it was the two of us, not meant to be me on my own amongst all our things and memories, its a major challenge for me, tomorrow I am heading home ...and will see how I feel this time, I am dreading it though, like you said step by step...I am so very pleased for you that you have made home work for you. Take care

Just to let you know I am thinking of you today as you journey back home. Virtual hugs are sent as you take deep breaths and tiny steps. Jules x

I lasted 5 days at home, busy days dealing with reality stuff and lots of time in between with good friends whi were so incrediby supportive...and then the terrible unbearable loneliness at home..the empty souless house..every corner, item, tree so painful....left again and now feel emotionally exhausted..drained, defeated and terribly lost.I went to see our GP and he said based on what I told him I need to start with antidepressants, he sent me to see a psychologist...and she felt that interwoven with normal grief  I seem traumatized..to be honest....I think most of us in these situations are...maybe others amongst you cope better than me. The psychologist suggests I think about whether I could find a space that was only mine...I think she meant physical or abstract...not sure what to do with that..no energy today and tearful..as usual...glad to be away from the horror of home..and feeling bad that I couldnt make it work for longer...

Hi

Please stop beating yourself up.  I responded to your post on Paddock's thread so suffice to say we can a

chat whenever you want to. I found it a bit easier to block  'real feelings' out whilst I was busy too and it is the quiet times that do your head in and make everything seem impossible.  Having your GP on your side and offering support is a big plus.  It is not about how others manage their own grief - it is an incredibly personal journey for us all and I am even different to how my son and daughter/other relations/friends cope/don't cope. These feelings cannot be rushed, brushed away or solved by flicking a magic switch - if only!  I did and still do find talking with my forum buddies helps and I have had to cut my working hours to help my stress levels which I never thought would be an issue so there is not a perfect solution for any of us sadly.

Today I finally took the plunge (and most reading this will think I must be stupid) and with my dauaghter for support, got myself a new mobile phone/contract (always been on old phone and pay as you go!!!) so that may keep my head busy as I try to fathom out how to deal with it. Hubby always took these things in his stride and I had somewhere to turn straight away. 14 months on since he passed away and some things are still a struggle but we will all get there eventually though patience is not my strong point.

Be kind to yourself xx