Hi LMB

It is really important you tell your children as soon as you can. Don't whatever you do let them find out from someone else first, this would be more devastating for them than the news of a cancer diagnosis. Your two oldest children probably already know or suspect, telling them would be just confirming to them what they already know. Be prepared for lots of questions, answer them truthfully. You will find they will be more prepared to help out for the sake of their dad. Kim

Oh Gosh LMB, what a difficult situation you have been put in - wanting to respect your husband's wishes and also needing your children to know that they can trust you.  I wonder if you and your husband have a McMillan nurse you could talk to?  If not, they should be contactable via your husband's medical team at the local hospital.

The McMillan nurse would be able to give an informed view to you and your husband of how best to handle the situation where your children are concerned.  If you both then decide to tell the family, they would be able to guide you of the best way to do this.

I am in no way a person who normally speaks to outside organisations about difficulties - but I truly cant praise the McMillan nurses enough.  They are so helpful with the practical stuff associated with this illness.  Maybe I am just lucky that my nurse and I 'gel', but I really would recommend that you give them a chance to help.

All the best to you and your family.  I have incurable cancer too so understand a lot of what you are going through.  Keep in touch and let us know how you are all getting on x

Hi LMB

This is s somewhat tricky task for  you to get your head round.  I would suspect that all the children would have picked up on the problems with their Dad's health and will certainly question what is going on.  My husband had a a terminal diagnosis and though our children (late 20's/30) were not living at home, becuase we have young grandchildren it would important to be honest from diagnosis. My husband did not want to talk to them about  it directly because he could  not cope with his own emotions.  We came to an agreement that we had a 'family meeting' and I took on the task of breaking the devastating news and thereafter it was my role to deliver updates to both family and friends. We thus dealt with it as a family. My daughter and son in law told their eldest boy just enough for him to understand why grandad was not working/tired etc and he straightaway adjusted how he played and was only 4 when this first occured.  We were lucky to have nearly three years more before cancer claimed my husband (January 2015) but my kids have always said how grateful they were that they knew what was going on no matter how hard the journey was and would have been very cross had we tried to protect their feelings.  You and  your husband know your children the best and different conversations may  be needed for the different ages.

  Cancer Reserch UK website does have a section about talking to children and for your teenagers (should they wish to once they have the information) there is a website call Ripp Rapp which is for  them to chat to other teens who have parents dealing with a cancer diagnosis.

There are some great listeners on the forum(and dear Max has offered some great advice already) and do come  back and share/offload your own thoughts and emotions as I found it really  helpful to be able to talk here when my husband chose his own way of dealing with things.  Best regards Jules 54

Hi LMB

It sounds like that you are in an almost identical situation to myself.

My wife has recently been diagnosed with secondary liver cancer which is also neuroendocrine with the primary unknown. She is in bits as we have 2 boys aged 10 & 13. She was diagnosed 3 weeks ago and until only yesterday we hadn't told them.

I was torn between respecting my wife's wishes and not being honest with my children. The would never forgive me in the future especially as it was becoming obvious to our close circle of friends that my wife was unwell and other family members had been told. They were going to find out.

We sat down with them and explained that mum has a cancer inside of her and she was going to get treatment. They took it all in their stride but we have been economical with her prognosis. Her cancer is aggressive and have been told if treatment does not work then it is only months that she has left. If they knew this they would also be in bits. We will have to break this to them as time moves on but it is not easy.

We are taking each day as it comes and do not know what the future holds and it is dark but the kids mean everything so we have to be strong for them.

We are trying to keep things normal with daily routine, schoolwork, family arguments etc.!

I can only give you my experience and it is a huge weight off my shoulders telling them - they are a lot more resilient than us!

Hello LMB,

I see you have already received lots of helpful advice from our members.

We do have a page on our website on Talking to Children about Cancer which you can find here.

We also try to answer the difficult question of How to tell my Child I have Cancer here and the different factors to consider when broaching the subject with them.

I hope this helps a little!

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator