Hi Jules, I don't post much but you were one of the first people to ever offer me comfort and understanding when I got here and I have been following your story. I'm sorry to hear that the two people you care about so much have difficulty in letting you and that they do not seem to be able to appreciate you at this time. I am aware of how lonely, painful and frustrating it can be when the people you love shut you out. I am sad to hear that you feel like an imposter in your own home, that must be so hard to bear on top of everything else that you are dealing with! I do wish that I had some advice but all I can say is that the I think (for me anyway) there are days when everything has just built up to the point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. Those are my 'bad days'. The feeling does tend to pass but riding it out always makes me feel angry, helpless, guilty and self-pitying - and I don't like feeling thay way which probably only adds to my frustration! I hope that you feel much better today and that your husband and mother find moments to open up to you.

Hugs, Greeneyes

Morning everyone,

Thank you so very much for responding to my down in the dumps post. After a disturbed night it was good to receive such support from my virtual friends on the forum when  logged on. Too much thinking time plays havoc with your thoughts/emotions. Its like being back at school and being sent to Coventry.  As far as my Mum's comments are concerned I was shocked at my own reaction as I have lived with her mental health issues from a very young age (this included two suicide attempts before I was 18 and  one since) and think I must have become more vulnerable (emotions wise) during the cancer journey with my hubby. My Mum thinks it unfair that she should be alive when she wants to die (always saying' I cant be bothered to live) and that obviously the reverse can be said for my hubby.  When he was going through early days of diagnosis he said he wanted all the facts whatever the outcome and so they gave it to him straight.  With hindsight (always a wonderful thing) he admits that he wishes he did not know that he cannot be cured and I believe this is why he has clammed up.  The fear he must be holding inside him (if its anything like mine) cannot being doing him much good either.

Well the sunshine is here again today but no reading in the garden as I have to go to work. So onwards and upwards and I think a bunch of flowers to cheer myself up on the way home.(the healthy option rather than reaching for chocolate).

Once again many thanks  and I hope you all have a good and peaceful day.  Jules  

Morning everyone,

Thank you so very much for responding to my down in the dumps post. After a disturbed night it was good to receive such support from my virtual friends on the forum when  logged on. Too much thinking time plays havoc with your thoughts/emotions. Its like being back at school and being sent to Coventry.  As far as my Mum's comments are concerned I was shocked at my own reaction as I have lived with her mental health issues from a very young age (this included two suicide attempts before I was 18 and  one since) and think I must have become more vulnerable (emotions wise) during the cancer journey with my hubby. My Mum thinks it unfair that she should be alive when she wants to die (always saying' I cant be bothered to live) and that obviously the reverse can be said for my hubby.  When he was going through early days of diagnosis he said he wanted all the facts whatever the outcome and so they gave it to him straight.  With hindsight (always a wonderful thing) he admits that he wishes he did not know that he cannot be cured and I believe this is why he has clammed up.  The fear he must be holding inside him (if its anything like mine) cannot being doing him much good either.

Well the sunshine is here again today but no reading in the garden as I have to go to work. So onwards and upwards and I think a bunch of flowers to cheer myself up on the way home.(the healthy option rather than reaching for chocolate).

Once again many thanks  and I hope you all have a good and peaceful day.  Jules  

Hi Jules,

Sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time with your husband and your mum.  I'm glad you can come on here and vent away, hopefully it makes you feel a bit better. Do you have a lot of cancer support services in your area? We have been offered the chance to speak to a counsellor, but neither me or my husband thinks it would really help we can talk to each other quite comfortably. Would it help you to talk to someone outside of your circle of family/friends?  Our local hospice also offers a few nice complementary therapy sessions for both the cancer patient and their care/husband/wife.  I've found that it's a really good way to relax.  I hope there are similar things available to you and your husband.

Take care.xxx

Hi Beaker

Thanks for your response. Just one of those 'down' days. We have great support of family and my best friend works for Samaritans so have very good help if I want to call on her.  Our local hospital is a major cancer unit and they have all the voluntary stuff you mention.  Hubby not interested but I can pop in there when he has his appointments if necessary.  This forum helps tremendously, a virtual family 24/7.  Have been to work today and had good chat before my shift started so feel a little less fed up now.  Anyway there are many who are far worse off than me so its pick myself up and back to the battle..  Hope you had a peaceful weekend.

Hi Jules ........... Glad to hear you had a chat this morning before your shift and I hope you will feel better over the next few days. Like your hubbie I wanted to know everything and now wish I didnt so I can totally relate to how he is feeling too. He's a lucky guy having such a lovely wife - and I am sure he knows that - just such a shame that he wont talk and must be really hurtful for you. You have the added stress of your Mum, which must put a huge strain on you. Thinking of you lots, as are your other virtual mates, always here when you need us!

Much love Max xx

Thanks Max, with all that you are facing in your own life, that you are taking the time to respond both to me and othesr is a wonderful tribute to your character. This forum is truly amazing in that complete strangers can achieve so much just by saying the right things at the right time.  I have read the replies to my 'frustration' post with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart and truly thank you for being part of that..Sending you many virtual hugs for just being you. Jules xx