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We were told my mum has weeks left... I don't know what to do for the best with work :(

StrawberryBear
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Hi Everyone,

So basically my Mum has stage 4 triple negative breast cancer. She stopped all treatment at the end of November last year and was told she'd be lucky to see Christmas. Fast forward to now, it's nearly the end of May and she's still here. 

She's had numerous stints in hospital and is currently in a hospice and has been for 3 weeks minus 2 days in hospital nearly a week ago. Things are now progressing quite quick. An xray and CT scan has revealed that she has a collapsed lung and only the right side is working but the cancer is now spreading there too, it's spread to her liver and has nodules all down her left side. She's a lot more breathless and struggling to walk further than the room she's in. My mum told me yesterday that we're looking at weeks left to live. 

I wanted to hear this from the nurse myself so that I can make a decision with work. I spoke to the nurse today and she said she thinks we're looking at weeks. I asked are we talking 3 or 4 weeks or weeks into months like 8 weeks. Because it's still difficult to know what to do with work. If someone told me for certain she'd not be here after 3 or 4 weeks i would go off of work now. I could financially JUST afford that. But if it was to go on for months still, I can't afford it. I've exhausted every avenue. I've used up all my sick allowance, I've brought leave forward, I've recently taken 4 days unpaid compassionate leave, i rang Macmillan previously for advice but nothing can come of it. I don't have loads of money. I live alone and rely on myself only so it's so worrying knowing what to do for the best. When I asked the nurse again in terms of how many weeks we could be looking at.., her response is basically that it's impossible to say and everyone is different. I understand, it's just so difficult knowing what to do for the best. I have 2 credit cards and am thinking should I just think screw it and go off work now. It just feels so exhausting knowing what to do because I don't want any regrets once Mum has gone but at the same time I can't afford financially to be off and it go on into months rather than weeks. 

I have such a headache right now, the stress is unreal. And I constantly worry work will get fed up of me and sack me anyway cos I've had 2 lots of sickness this year and a fair few days of compassionate leave. 

I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks if you read all that x

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    Hi StrawberryBear, 

    What an emotional time it must be for you and I am so sorry you are having to go through this and it must be so hard and exhausting for you to see your mum like this, her having ended up in hospital several times and now finding herself in hospice and I hope that they look after her well there. It must be difficult to take in the latest news that she has a collapsed lung and the cancer is spreading and being told that they are now looking at weeks must be heart-breaking. You are also needing to make important decisions about work whilst dealing with the uncertainty of how long your mum might live and that really isn't easy because it is really difficult even for medical experts to know exactly if they are talking about 4 weeks, 8 weeks, if it is more or if it is less and it can be so upsetting for you too to have to try and make an estimate in order to figure out all these practicalities with work. It's really hard to know what to do really in a situation like yours and I think the most important thing perhaps is to have a good rapport and communication with your employer so that they are aware of what is going on and can advise you on how to proceed, on what you can do and what options are still available to you. I hope that they have been supportive so far but and that you have been able to talk to them honestly and openly about what is going on at home.

    I would suggest you have a look at the government website's page on time off for family and dependants but you might already have all the facts about this. I think the important thing is to have a thorough look at your work contract so you know exactly what you are entitled to in terms of time off in a situation like this and that you talk things through with them so you come up with the best possible arrangement - it might be for example that they could allow flexible working times so that you can spend more time with your mum but work at other times. I don't know if your job can be done from home too but the government website also has information on flexible working. It can be such a headache to find the best possible solution but try if you can to take a deep breath and think what the best possible arrangement might be for you and how you could broach the subject with your employer so that you find something that works as well as possible for everyone. It's difficult to talk about these things sometimes with our employers and we can worry about giving the wrong impression but the truth is you are going through a really difficult time, you have so much to juggle and what you need right now is to be able to not stress about work in the slightest so have this conversation with your manager and see if you can find an arrangement that would work well for everyone. 

    Citizens Advice also have a work section  which might be useful to you and don't hesitate to get in touch with your local Citizens Advice for further guidance and information. 

    I hope this helps a little and I will now let other members who may have further insights come and say hello and share their story with you. The forum is always here anytime you need to offload and talk to others who truly understand what you are currently going through. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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