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Why am I trying to ruin everything since my diagnosis?

Steph22
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I got diagnosed with cervical cancer around a year ago, Im 28 with 3 kids under 9, I kept it to myself for 2 weeks before telling my fiance or anyone at all, the minute I got my diagnosis I basically went on a bender, drinking every night for a fortnight and acting very selfish. Eventually my fiance confronted me about my behaviour and I pretty much roared at him I have cancer. I didn't really want him at appointments ect as I've just always been stronger doing things on my own just how I am but I can see why he felt like I was shutting him out. We started drifting a part and to be honest I thought he would leave me so I tried to push him away first. 

Then one night I get a message from my first love who I haven't seen in 10 years, you always have a wee special place for your first love but nearly right away he was flirting and saying he's never stopped loving me ect ect. Few weeks passed and I met up with him (no cheating happened) but I did flirt back with txts and some pictures where exchanged. I soon realized what I was doing was wrong and my fiance and I had a chat and he put my fears to rest. A few weeks later my fiance found out what I had done and now everything is just so so terrible. I'm not the type of person to ever do anything like this but during that point I then got diagnosed with breast cancer, I've always been very self conscious of myself but I've always had a nice smile and a good set of boobs and I felt as though no one would ever want me again. My emotions have been all over the place and I feel like I'm not in control of my own actions, it's like I know what I'm doing is the wrong thing but I can't stop myself. Im in total self destruct mode. I'm fighting the cancer and my cervix is clear just one more round of chemo and hopefully my boobs will be all good, I've now got a small tumor in my sinuses but it seems that it will be easily removed, feeling positive about my health but it's as though I'm a different person, I do have a fear of my fiance leaving me as I'm not as pretty as I was before. Hope someone can relate even slightly to this. 

  • A very warm welcome to Cancer Chat Steph although I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and how this journey has made you feel.

    Having cancer can be very tough and receiving a cancer diagnosis not once, but twice, will understandably bring about a lot of thoughts and feelings. When you are trying to cope with such a life changing illness there is no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone is different and you will deal with things in your own way so try not to be too hard on yourself for what happened but if you feel like you're struggling then do reach out to a close family member, friend or even your GP for support as I'm sure they will want to do all that they can to help.

    Some of our members have found counselling really helped them come to terms with their cancer so if you feel this is something you may benefit from, do have a look at the information we have about this on our website.

    Do also try and sit down with your fiance again and have another chat so you can work through everything together. Macmillan have some handy tips and advice on talking to your partner that I hope will help you with this.

    Many of our members will understand how having cancer can change the way you feel about yourself so hopefully some of them will be along soon to offer their thoughts and advice but in the meantime I want to assure you that you are not alone and that we're sending our support your way.

    Wishing you all the best with your last round of chemo Steph and we'll have our fingers crossed you'll get the all clear for your breast cancer soon as well.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    HI Steph,

    I  read your post and couldn't pass by without replying. This was exactly how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I am normally a very self-sufficient down to earth type of person, but there is no way that I could justify my behaviour after I was diagnosed. I had lost my mum to breast cancer before this and always thought that I was prepared for a diagnosis myself.

    Instead, I went totally to pieces. I am fortunate to have a very close family, but I did my level best to push them all away. I have had two bouts of breast cancer in the past 12 years. I received some tremendous support from people on this forum at the time. and this is why I still try to support people here.

    I agree with Steph. Try to talk to your fiance openly. Tell him exactly how you feel and how frightened you are. If you can let him accompany you on your hospital visits, you may benefit from this more than you think. He will feel more involved and, will understand what you are going through better. We all need support to get through this. Let him in and share the journey.

    I am sure that your fiance didn't fancy you just for your looks. You will have many other qualities which he also admires. These haven't all disappeared with treatment. The first year is always the hardest. You will gradually begin to feel that you are getting control of your life back and start to feel better about everything. Since I had my surgeries, I am certainly not a pretty sight. I had a lumpectomy first time and a double mastectomy second time around. Unfortunately, I was unable to have reconstruction, due to other complications. Treatment side-effects resulted in me losing my sight for a year and having to have both knees replaced.

    My relationship with my daughter broke down so severely, that she insisted that we both saw a counsellor. That consultation was an absolute disaster, or appeared to be at the time, but it was a turning point for both of us.

    I am not the person that I was pre-cancer. I am weaker in some ways, but I am mentally stronger. I live a busy and fulfilling life and every day is a bonus. I am sure that you will feel like this one day too.

    Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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