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16 with cancer and in need of some help

estrella2004
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Hi everyone,

So i was given my proppper diagnosis in early february of stage 4 Hodking lymphoma.Since then i started chemo and have actually just finnished my second of six rounds of treatment.

As i am paediatric they havent given me the usual cocktail of drugs that are normally used but have instead given my something much tougher which means that i am in treatment for a lot longer than other people would be.As for my experience - i lost all of my hair within the first two weeks and am on 20 + pills a day on top of my IV chemo.I am also trying to balance college, my social life and i have chosen to hide my illness from most of my peers.

 I just feel a little numb.

The steroids im on keep me up all night and make my ravenous but i am so afraid of getting fat i end up starving myself during the day.Obviously i do eat because i cant heal without any nutrition - i just hate myself a little for it.I hate myself a little for everything...

This all feels so surreal and until today i hadnt even considered that this might not be treatable.I know there is no point stressing over something i cant control nut what if i cant be cured? What if i dont get the chance to live my life the way i planned? What if i am infertile after all of this? What if my hair doesnt grow back? What if i relapse?

So many questions.So few answers.So many unknowns.

I guess im just feeling a little lost and a little bit helpless.Wondering if anyone has any insight ot any light at the end of the tunnel?

 

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    Hi,

    Couple of things spring to mind when reading your post:

    1) Regarding the eating and stuff, seriously don't starve yourself due to worries about your weight - just go up a size ;-) (That's what I do as my weight yo-yo's round a bit.)

    2) You're very wise in your comment about not stressing over something you can't control, but I get the what if's etc.

    I suppose we all have a view of what our lives may look like - I remember thinking that at the turn of the millenium I'd be a "Mondeo Man" - Mr average with 2.3 children and 0.2 dogs.

    I definitely didn't end up down that path!

    I guess the point is that many things will influence the way you live your life vs how you planned it. In a cheesy  kind of way, life is about enjoying the journey rather than rushing to the destinations.

    Not sure if this is giving you any insight or anything, but (and this is not an easy thing to do) the best thing is to be the master of your mind. 

    You mentioned hating yourself a little - please try not to. If you've upset people or whatever, resolve in your mind to put this right once you are better. 

    With regards to the what if's, my suggestion would be the same - review these questions once you're better.

    Neither you or anyone can actually give an answer to your questions with any accuracy. Occupying your mind with questions you can't answer doesn't sound the best use of your time!

    As I say I get it, if you can, you need to be a bit more forgiving and gentle with yourself. 

     

    Take care & get well.

     

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    Hello!

    I've just read your post and wanted to say that you seem an amazing and beautiful person, inside out. Your words are courageous and your worries and feelings quite normal. 

    For your questions around hair loss, fertility and relapse you may want to check out Blood Cancer UK. They have a helpline number and email so you could talk to someone there. The helpline number is 0808 2080 888 and email address is support@bloodcancer.org.uk.

    Life doesn't often go to plan but shifts with circumstance and the way we choose to respond to situations. Perhaps you may be better to think of redefining your plans, and focus on what is really important to you now. If you can get a hold of your mind by practicing meditation and positive speak I think you would find a lot of your worries around your social life and weight disappear. Of course, it is far easier said than done. Each day commit to very small steps. One day at a time and before you know it, without a long-term plan, you will have shaped a new life for yourself. One that serves you even better.

    I wish you the very best with your recovery. Be positive and carry on. You are strong, brave and absolutely brilliant.

     

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    Oh Estrella,

    I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and all that you have been going through.

    As someone who has had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 11 years, I can fully appreciate your concerns. It must all seem so unfair to you, when you should be enjoying life to the full, that you are

     tied to hospitals and medication and don't know what lies ahead. There are so many unknowns at present. Most of the questions you've raised cannot even be answered by your care team. A positive attitude will help you greatly in moving forward. Don't even consider that it might not be treatable, unless you're told this. Do you have anyone who you can confide in about how you actually feel? This can make a big difference.

    You might also find it helpful to discuss your concerns with a counsellor. These services are available through many different providers. I have listed a few below.

    Speak to your GP if you think you might need professional counselling. They may be able to refer you for counselling. They may also be able to give you information about local counselling services and support groups.Sue Ryder Hospices. Many hospices offer counselling for close family and friends of people who have received hospice care.Marie Curie offer counselling for close family and friends of people who have received their hospice care.Maggie's Centres also offer counselling services and many alternative therapies.THe Haven is another centre similar to Maggies.Your college may also be helpful. I hope that some of the staff there appreciate all that you are going through at the moment too. Private Counselling. Pay for a counsellor. You can also find a counsellor privately and pay for sessions. To find registered psychotherapists and counsellors in your area, search the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy online directory. Costs will vary. Many therapists have their own websites explaining how they work and what to expect.

    I sincerely hope that you can come to terms with all that has happened and can fight this with all that you've got.  This first year after diagnosis is always partiularly hard, but here's hoping that this time next year you will be looking back on this as an experience which you never have to repeat and you will be feeling so much better.

    Have you heard of Rip Rap? This is a forum for teenagers with cancer, where you might find others of your age who are in a similar position. 

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Remember that we are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

     

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