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Help please.. feeling really anxious and alone

londongirl151
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Hi all

Unfortunately, i'm new here but everyone is so supportive and kind so I thought i'd post to try and see if anyone has advice. 

My mum went to A&E a month ago, with really bad back pain. At first they thought it was a chest infection, but when she didn't respond to that, they kept her in, and did some MRI, and CT scans. She was diagnosed with lung cancer, but also MSCC which is spinal compression. They have managed to keep her pain down, and did some emergency radiotherapy to ease the pain. 

She needs to be rescanned, but is being discharged from hospital today. The hospital have issued her with a bed, and various other equipment because her mobility is very limited. She remains VERY hopeful. 

I feel so anxious, and also so angry, I'm angry with myself, my family for trying to bury their heads in the sand, my friends for not understanding and carrying on trying to make really trivial conversation when I feel so distressed and I just wondered if this is normal? Fortunately, I'm in therapy already so am getting support from there for my mental health, but I just feel so unable to cope at times, its overwhelming. Are these feelings normal? I'm just pushing everyone away from me, because i feel they just don't understand and are not even trying to. 

I feel so anxious about my mum coming home, i just don't want to see her sitting in that bed when we don't even know her full prognosis. 

Thanks in advance everyone. x

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    Hi Londongirl.

    I'm so sorry that you and your mum are in such an awful situation. Firstly there's no right or wrong way to react. Anger and denial are both ways in which people respond. Nobody knows what to say because there's little that can be said that would change the circumstances. But they will usually offer help and support further down the line.

    I was extremely angry when I was diagnosed but now I'm putting everything into fighting my stage 4 cancer and sometimes even forget that I have it. Other times I'll cry into my pillow when it all becomes too much.

    There's plenty of support out there. Phone lines, forums, support groups via zoom. Find what works for each of you and reach out. Also ask for help. Waiting for help doesn't always work so ask for it. 

    You'll probably have nurses and carers seeing your mum regularly now. Usually they're lovely and open to any questions that you may have regarding care, treatment etc. 

    Finally remember to look after yourself. You're not going to be of much help if you become rundown/I'll. Eat well, sleep well and ensure that you have breaks away from your mum. Even if it's just a daily walk. It's a vital part of helping your mum.

    I'm sorry that I can only offer some advice. I hope it works for you and keep in touch as there's lots of lovely people on this site that you can chat to and or get advice.

    I wish your mum all the best and she's very lucky to have you.

    Love Barb xx

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    Hi [@londongirl151]‍ 

    It's always a horrible time when either yourself or someone close to you gets that diagnosis, and it's horrible to hear that you are now going through this with your Mum, I have been on both sides, My Nan was diagnosed with Lung Cancer  ( years ago now) and I was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I can say that the feelings are completely different, being the one with the diagnosis is easier to handle than hearing it's a close family member. You feel at a lost because you have no control over the situation, you can only watch them go through it and want to help.

    Of course you are going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions right now and people aren't going to know what to say to you, it's the pity faces and are you OK? not really wanting to hear the answer, this makes you feel more alone as you just want to scream at someone.

    It's greaat to hear the amount of help your Mum is getting to be helped and the nurses that will come out to her are from my experience really calm and patient which is a big help.

    Friends are well meaning, but they are not going to understand what you are going through if they themselves have not, they will be supportive and offer help but when they leave to go home and shut their door, the reality is they can carry on their life as normal because it is not their Mum, your emotions and fear and anger are going to be there every waking moment, because you have no real answers at the moment that's when it feels the worse as your mind will be working over time filling in the blanks and fearing the worse. But whatever answers you get you will find some relief in it, as you have the knowledge and treatment plans will be put into place and you will see things happening to treat your Mum, so as scary as it all is it gets easier to deal with, you need breathing space it takes a while to really process and that's OK, you are normal, you are frightened for your Mum a very reasonable response. My daughter went into denial and buried her head in the sand with my diagnosis and I really had to take her through everything step by step as she didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't hear about the surgery it was too much for her to deal with, so we all deal with the news differently.

    Sometimes when our minds are racing we want to say things that we fear our friends and family don't want to hear and it then just festers in your mind and gets too much. If you want to rant or cry or get things of your chest with no judgement please feel free to message me.

    I hope your hear news from the doctors soon x

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