Cancer philosophy

Since I found out I had cancer in sept. 2020 There were  two moments when I was shocked and quite scared it was the two words which were spoken to me “Metatastic “and “incurable ” ,and they repeated those two words and asked if I understood what they meant ,I could not hear them ,you could have knocked me over with a feather ,a sickness in my stomach I have rarely felt .

But since that initial shock which lasted about a week, I have become quite pragmatic about the whole situation ,my partner and family worry more about my situation than I do and  I feel a bit guilty for not worrying . I have tried to carry on regardless ,doing too much at times to my own detriment ,and being told to slow down and take things easy 

I willingly go to blood tests every week ,have needles regularly put into me ,have cannula fitted without qualms .I’ve had ct scans ultrasound scans ,endoscopy ,i have had side effects which if not controlled are deadly ,myocarditis ,pneumonitis colitis ,hyperthyroiditis ,dermatitis and hepatitis .but I still carry on with the treatment ,

It might be something to do the fact I’ve been close to deaths door with having a double bypass 5 years ago with complications and still living with a separated rib due to op.

Or it could be the people who are treating me with care dedication and devotion at the  Cancer Centre in Liverpool, giving me hope for the future and fill me with confidence with everything they do .not that I have crossed swords with the medical profession in the past if they give me cause  because I have .

And my partner and family who I rely on for care and love ,which keeps me going ,but it’s not that I don’t care about my predicament it’s just I’m 67 now  quite young in some peoples eyes, lost my 1st wife when she was 58 , I have 2 lovely daughters and 2 grandsons ,my mother is 95 and I am one of her main careers with my wonderful partner and I have had a fulfilled life and would like to extend it ,although that might sound selfish ,I’ve never been a worrier and always the optimist,through  all my trials and tribulations ,nearly drowned when I was 12,survived a head on collision with truck when I was  40 ,pushed onto electric train line when I was 45 ,fell down a mountain at 50  , hit by a car when I was on my bike which was driven believe it or not by a nurse who did not stop ,when I was 50 ,broken nearly every bone in my body ,and so on , I believe someone up  there   is looking after me ,I suppose they have prepared me for the journey I am on now and not a lot of things phase me ,I am ready for anything life can throw at me ,just wish I could stop scratching ,it’s driving  me mad .

Death is just a part of life ,life is just a part  of living