Help me please. Dad has stage 4 cancer

hi folks 

I recently found out my dad has cancer it’s been a shame because I was kicked out the family home and had to go to most awful place in supported housing 

forwarding dad and anyone knew 

he was working for his cafe and mum and I worked there me not there all the time would of loved to of been but mum and I struggling with our relationship 

anyway dad got sick we found out he had stage 4 cancer. 7 months at home I didn’t see him which I know  feel terrible for, I had my own issues and me and my mothers uses held me back 

I have been to see dad recently stayed with him didn’t sleep had to change his oxygen 

which mum has been doing all this time 

I can’t help but feel bad I haven’t been there 

what I would like to know 

is how am I meant to deal with this? 

How do I help my dad 

how do I help my mum with our long term struggling relationship 

i think dad should focus on a bucket list is there anything you guys can think of something he would love all he’s done is work all his life he loves to bake. Bake cakes and wants to start up a takeaway business he wants me to be involved in which I would love to just am I giving him hopes of it and I don’t know what to do I need any of your advice I’m middle 20s so all knew to me PLUS I WOULD LOVE TO BE BACK AT FAMILY HOUSE 

  • Hi

    Your story is so sad, sad because its not uncommon.   Families fall out, its what they do.  But most make up again sooner or later.

    In my 20's i moved away from my family, not because we didn't get on I just felt claustrophobic.  Me and my Dad weren't close,  I blamed him for this in his living years.  But later  I'm now 51, realised it was mostly me.  I understood him more each day as I got older.  

    My dad was diagnosed with cancer, my Mum and older brother were his carers, and I did make more trips to see him. By the end I was spending a lot of time with him.  But sadly I wasn't there the night he died, rest of family were, and for a long time I hated myself for moving away, for not being there, not doing more to help, not doing more things with him.  I soon learnt that this is a common feeling.  Someone once said to me that no matter how much we had done together,  there would always have been things we didn't get to do.  He would just be happy that his family were there 

    Now this is my point, forget the past  forget starting a new business, your head and your heart are making this more complicated than it need be.

    All your Dad wants is time with family, to see you and your Mum and him together.   I know because I have cancer, yet to find out stage, growth, type and prognosis, but all I want is family.  Yes I have a bucket list,  but my bucket list is material,  its family that counts.  Even harder with being in tier 4 and shielding.

    I don't know the dynamics of your family.   Perhaps living back at home isn't the best option, especially if you and your Mum are going to argue.  Perhaps it can be a gradual process.  Find a moment and speak openly to your Mum, remember llike you she is going through an amazingly difficult time right now and her emotions are going to be all over the place.  It may be that she could really do with you there right now, but with the family history perhaps she's finding it difficult to say.  

    Remember your Mum is only human just like you.  

    I can only advise you from my own life experiences living on both sides of the cancer coin, as a son and a Dad.

    It may be worth phoning Cancer UK, they are there as much for the families and a friendly voice can go a long way.

    I wish you and your family all the best.  Stay strong.