Hi anyone out there reading this.

I was diagnosed with cancer last August, so it's coming up to the 1st anniversary. I am still getting treatment until the first week of November and am taking tamoxifen for the next 10yrs.

I was trying for a baby before I was diagnosed and had not massively successful fertility treatment before the cancer treatment. That's my first issue. I've been told by my specialist that I need to take tamoxifen for 2yrs then have a 6mth break then try for a baby. By then I will be nearing my 39th birthday. I'm too scared to even think about trying anymore and am concerned that this will come in between myself and my partner because I feel that if we do not have a child, there will always be something missing. Therefore, all I can do with this is put it to the back of my mind for now and store that worry for 2yrs time.

However, what I can't get out of my head is how much of a burden I feel to the people around me who have done nothing but support me throughout my cancer journey. There's 1 person in particular that I have at the front of my mind here. My manager at work. He's kept me safe all this time by allowing me to work in some capacity as my mental health couldn't handle staying at home just waiting for each chemo... the surgery... radiotherapy... etc. However, I've had MASSIVE issues with trusting that I wouldn't lose my managers support and my distressed behaviour ment that I was incredibly dependent on my manager. 

Sadly, due to the coronavirus, my wonderful team and I inc my manager have all been at risk of redundancy. As a way of reducing redundancies, my workplace have obviously offered voluntary redundancy packages. My manager took this up and their last day is Friday. I saw him last week to say goodbye and they said they would give out their personal phone number to keep in contact with everyone. Luckily my manager has managed to land 2 jobs. 1 they have already started 3hrs a day and the other starts in September. Not what they want to do long term but is thinking about joining the police or going to uni and becoming a social worker (that's their dream as my manager fosters 3 children currently.)

I know that obviously my manager has A LOT on their plate but I messaged them asking about going for coffee together on the day my team and I said goodbye. I know they got the message instantly but they didn't reply. How am I supposed to keep in contact with them if they don't reply? This isn't the only time they've done this. I know my circumstances has been hard for them too emotionally but I'm absolutely beyond terrified that I've lost SUCH a good person/friend in my life. I simply can't handle losing them.

I don't think that it's helped that I'm female and my manager is male... (but gay!) and there have been people at work who have said that I have a fixation on him due to how dependent I've been. I can hand on my heart say there's no feelings in that way for him. As any cancer survivor, I truly feel that the one thing I've learnt from my experience is just how much I need the people I have around me and just how grateful I am of them all.

My last issue is that again, like many cancer survivor, the experience knocks your confidence for six. I honestly truly believe that I'm NOT worthy of the people around me. I'm NOT worthy of friendships. My manager does NOT want to have anything to do with me and won't keep in contact with me. It's THIS feeling that I just can't overcome. I'm not eating, my sleeping pattern is awful, I don't ever want to get or of bed due to this horrible persistent waves of fear that come over me in the morning over having to face another lonely day feeling like this, I've now cut off from the rest of my work team and horrible thoughts of suicide have started to creep in like they did when I was diagnosed.

I'm just so frightened.