Just a short intro about me and my darling Col.. We met on 27/09/2008 through Myspace.. he had the same music likes as I did and we fell in love within 2 days.. it really was true love as it should be.. I should have married him way back as both of us had really bad partners who spoiled the best and healthiest years of our lives.. We married wrongly and had thought we would each be alone.. Col looked after me through a hellish time with leg ulcers in 2014 and when it came to him being diagnosed with Stomach, Lung and Liver Cancer last June I knew it was only me who was going to look after him.. The pic of how Col was last June is my profile .. it was just before the CT scan and he was so happy on a boat trip in Windsor..All our 5 grown up kids from our past have disowned us as they did not like that we were together and Pagan soulmates..We finally put ourselves first and got married on 20/04/2017, we wasted so much time and money sorting out others when we should have looked after ourselves, what a waste of time.. :(.. I cherish my Col and am now having a really bad time waiting for my beloved to die.. it is Terminal and nobody has given him a time but I know it won't be long.. He cannot swallow very well and is literally just eating small portions of Semolina and the Ensure drinks. He has already been in Hospital 3 times this year with Sepsis caused by the Chemo which has now been suspended..I watch him nearly all the time to see if he is still breathing and he had a fall yesterday trying to get to the loo.. he is so weak.. This time last year he weighed 102kg.. as of today he weighs only 63kg and is literally a shadow of his gorgeous self.. I cry to look at him which I hide as best I can, he is so weak and frail and can just about walk.. We have a contact at the Hospice but he does not want to go in because of the Covid19 we know we cannot stay together.. I am simply sitting here waiting for his last breath and it hurts me so very much.. it is so unfair... we have been through so much together and come through but not this time.. I cannot remember the last time I heard his laugh. We both have severe depression with maximum meds but they are not helping me so I saw this page and decided to join.. we have both faced the suicide black dog twice and stopped.. I do not know how I will be when he goes I just know he was such a strong rock for me and deserves a better life than this frail end.. such a waste of knowledge and fun and true devotion.. My heart feels like it is breaking now but I have not even got to the final stage yet.. We have no friends other than FB and no Family .. just us two as it has always been since we met.. I have no money , we are both disabled with a Motability car, no savings and I don't know what I will do when it comes to the funeral part of things.. I don't know if I will be strong enough.. We even said we would go together with the Morphine but I cannot do that.. there is too much of him in this house and in my head to stop me.. Sorry about the rant but I just wanted to write this down.. He is asleep at the moment and I am trying to stop crying... again :(
