Hi Chriss, 

Thanks for replying.

I'm guessing if I mention reading these she will probably say, " I can't believe your discussing this with strangers on a forum"? Then get upset? She doesn't do Social media etc.

I'm debating on ringing the oncologist myself to discuss my concerns, but again it feels like I'm going behind my wife's back? The tamoxifen has really changed my wife, I love her to the moon and back, but I feel I'm letting her down if she can see my mood or emotions shift. It's now like I have to walk on egg shells. 

I'm sorry if the end bit sounds all about me, but I don't know where to turn too? 

Bless ya ... please know this cancer and treatments effect those around us just as much as us ... I've been on both sides ... and it's far harder watching those we love go through it ... I coped far better with my own cancer ...

She is so lucky to have you ... and never ever underestimate how hard this must be for you ... you could always ask the oncology team about the percentage it gives us .. then she could see the facts .. l realised just how it was effecting me .. and once I knew it was the tamoxifen, it was a no brainer to come off ... l loved those around me to much to keep being an emotional wreck.... 

The reason wer like that is cancer .. it is not an excuse to make those we love to take it out on them .. it is not your fault ... just do what you can and don't feel guilty ... your doing a grand job ... if it were me I would walk away from her if she starts getting angry and just say , your not going to be her punch bag .. I know that sounds harsh, but the more you take it, the more she will take it out on you ... please get her to talk to someone ... my heart goes out to you.... Chrissie....

Hi JD. No7,

I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer 10 and 11 years ago. First time around I took Tamoxifen for a year and was a total emotional wreck. I cried copiously, shouted at my poor husband (who is the most pleasant, mild mannered and supportive person). We had never argued in the previous 38 years that we had known each other, but I made his life a living h**l. I knew that I was doing this and was upset that I was making him so unhappy, but I couldn't stop myself. He eventually went to see a counsellor, who gave him some tips on how to deal with my errant ways.

I had a number of side-effects with Tamoxifen including drenching night sweats, as well as the see- sawing emotions. My breast care nurse suggested that I should try taking Venlafaxine (a mild anti-depressant), as she said that some women found that this helped to reduce their sweats. I was reluctant to take an anti-depressant, because, like your wife, I am a strong and independant person and, eventually I felt so bad that I knew that I had to do something. Within just a few weeks my sweats had reduced but my emotions had also changed dramatically.

Before I tried the Venlafaxine, my nurse had suggested that Clonidine, might help to reduce the sweating, but this didn't work for me. She also suggested trying a different manufacturer of Tamoxifen, as some brands seem to cause fewer side-effects than others. Your wife's nurse may be able to suggest some of the better brands. She also suggested that I took the tablets at night time instead of in the morning.

After a year, my second cancer was diagnosed and I had to change to Letrozole. I took this for a further 6 years. I felt that my emotions improved greatly whilst on Letrozole, but I developed pain throughout all of my joints and still had the night sweats. As a result, I continued to take the Venlafaxine throughout this time. I don't know what age your wife is. There are other medications that she can take instead of Tamoxifen, but most of these are only suitable for post-menopausal women. 

Many of the side-effects are similar - I certainly found that my emotional state was the worst with Tamoxifen, but my joint pain was much greater with Letrozole. Having said that, I ended up having 2 knees replaced and 7 eye operations whilst I was taking Letrozole - I guess that it's a case of swings and roundabouts. Still, the fact that I am still here 11 years on is proof that these medicines do work and despite everything, I would still take them again if I had to.

My friend Chriss has offered another solution - by stopping altogeher. This is also a choice, but if your wife decides to go down this road, do get her to discuss this with her care team first, as they can tell her how much more effective any treatment would be for her. They do this by predicting the additional percentage of benefit these treatments will give. These will depend upon her individual pathology results, type and grade of her cancer, her age and general health, so tend to vary from one person to the next. Her care team will have all of these details to hand and, should be in the best position to offer her advice.

If you decide to phone her oncologist yourself, you will find that s/he is bound by Data Protection and, cannot discuss your wife's case with you unless she gives her permission for them to do so. This is where accompanying her to her appointments can help, but sadly, most hospitals insist on cancer patients attending appointments on their own at present, due to the current pandemic.

Whatever decision she reaches, I sincerely hope that things settle down for both of you and that she can get back on a more even keel again. Do please keep in touch and let us now how she gets on. We are always here for both of you.

KIndest regards,

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine,

My wife turned 40 this year. She hasn't gone through an early menopause after treatment and is still having a monthly cycle.

I've read that some of the other tablets named on here are for post menopausal women and I'd have to check to see if these are suitable?

Her cancer has been removed and blood results show no more cells, which was and is fantastic news. 

She sailed through treatments and surgeries, but I think that the temoxifen really doesn't suit her as she has become a emotional roller coaster. My wife never cries and in all the tears we have been together I have never seen her cry some much over the slightest of things. 

Hi JD. No.7,

As far as I know, your wife is too young for some of the treatments that interfere with her hormones. I am not a doctor, but would certainly advise that she discusses how this is affecting you both with her care team. If she doesn't have any appointments pending, her breast care nurse is always at the end of the phone for matters like this.

It is indeed fantastic news that she is now clear of cancer. It is a difficult balance when we introduce any of the hormone therapies into the body and they all carry similar side-effects. I never cry normally, yet found myself constantly doing so for no reason. 

Whatever her care team recommend, I do hope that they can offer her a treatment that makes life easier for both of you. As Chris has already advised, try to stick by her just now, remember that this is not her, but the medication and her reaction to it that is causing both of you all of this upset.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, 

I spoke to one of the nurses from this site and had a good 45 minute talk. It was great to actually speak out load and air my concerns regarding the medication and my wifes emotional roller coaster 

My emotions came flooding out at certain points of the conversation. I was giving sound advice and recommendations. 

No matter how trying these times can get I will be with her every step of the way, every second of every day. 

Thanks for all the replies and advice. 

Hi JD.No7,

I am glad to hear that you managed to get some advice from the nurses on this site. Don't upset yourself about showing your emotions. The nurses are quite used to this and it is a great help to have a release valve at times. 

We are always here for you both and, you will find that no matter what problems you are have, there is always someone here who has experienced the same and can support you or offer advice.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine