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Working through cancer

Coll0042
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Hi

I was diagnosed with BC 8th Aug and have tried to work ever since. My chemo is FEC-T and I was told I needed 6 treatments every 3 weeks. I am currently coming up to my 6th chemo with surgery in Feb and radiotherapy following that. 

My problem is that when I was diagnosed my head was in such a spin that I told my manager a whole load of personal stuff. I massively regret it. I even told him that I was suicidal and attempted to end my life. It shocked my manager. He then gave me his personal mobile number and I kept texting him a lot of emotional stuff which was apparently nothing to do with the cancer (I won't read the texts I sent!) I have also disrupted his work by going to my managers office way too many times in emotional distress. My manager has stated that it's felt like it's been an emotional rollercoaster and that I was playing mind games!!!!! I have spoke to a number of work colleagues over and over again (a side effect of chemo I've suffered with massively is chemo brain particularly confusion) about the fact that I've been worried about my relationship with my manager. My manager has told me that people at work (I believe HR) has asked what my fixation is with my manager. My manager has responded by saying I'm just going through a hard time. I feel so very guilty for the burden I've been to my manager. My manager has had to close the door on the support to me in order to protect himself and I at work. I've felt so let down as a result of this. My manager has also said some harsh things (in my opinion) to me in frustration and has since admitted that some things that were said may not have been appropriate. I really need to find a way to get over this guilt and anxiety I have over everything that has happened but am struggling. I also feel like it's going to be so hard to stay at my workplace but have never been in a workplace that I've felt a sense of belonging in before. What the hell do I do? My manager has done so much for me, tells me there's no hard feelings but at the same time tells me he needs to speak to someone (counsellor???) for support about the situation. I also received a kiss on the cheek and a hug before breaking up for Christmas??? I'm so confused and upset about how everything has gone. I only wanted to be at work so that the time my treatment would take would pass quicker than me sitting around at home! How do I stay in my current workplace now? How do I get back to normal when this hell is over!?!?

  • Hello Coll0042

    I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been happening for you in addition to your treatment. It sounds as if it's been a difficult time. 

    You mention that you've told your manager baout your diganosis but I'm unsure if you've discussed things with HR or  if they are aware of the situation. I wonder if you might be able to ask for a referral to speak to your occupational health nurse (if you have one) for some support. Alternatively if your employed as an EAP (Employee Assistance Programme) then they may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor - this would be confidential. 

    If neither of those options are available then speak to your GP about some support. I would imagine that you're planning to have some time off when you have your surgery? It may be that having a break from everything that is going on at work would be beneficial for you. Something to have a think about. 

    I do hope that you're able to find some support outside of work to help you work through everything that has been going on for you and that things improve ahead of your final chemo and planned surgery. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Jenn

    Hello Jenn

    My HR manager at work is involved but doesn't know the conversations my manager and I have had. Its private and personal. He has been very good at keeping things confidential. She is involved and helping him and myself to try to get through this by putting plans in place to keep me in work. My workplace does have a counselling service which I have decided not to use. I have however had some sessions with a psychologist. She was lovely but only really referred me to mindfulness sessions (of which isn't until Feb) advised me to speak to MacMillan (which I have already done before) and gave me some 3 minute mindfulness techniques to use for when I have my horrible anxiety come on. It hasn't felt like support for the long term.

    My concern since day 1 was firstly the fact that I was trying to have a baby and then turned to how the hell do I work through this. So, after all this treatment, I will be left with more trauma to face... will an embryo work? (I had fertility treatment before my cancer treatment started.) I've had to lock that worry out of my head for now but it will raise its ugly head in the not so distant future.

    At the mo, I am really worried about my managers wellbeing especially now he has said that he is going to talk to someone about all this. I never wanted any of this for him. He's got his own hardships in life of which he's shared some with me. 

    My problem is that I believe I am the only one who can get myself through this as long as I have those I need around me. However, Ive never relied on anyone emotionally like I have during this difficult time. Not even my partner. I shut down on him and my family and turned to my manager!?!?! My manager is not a therapist, I know that, but talking to him has massively helped me for some unknown reason. I think it's because he's someone outside of my nearest and dearest and I subconsciously want to protect them and make them believe I'm strong enough and ok. There is only 1 other time I have relied on someone and that went badly wrong. I went through an abusive relationship. It taught me NOT to talk, share my emotions. So sharing pretty much everything that has happened in my past with my manager has actually been what I've needed but just not right for him. That's why I feel so guilty. I usually think of others before myself. I've been so unfair to my manager.

  • Offline in reply to Coll0042

    First of all I was retired and 68 years old when I was diagnosed with stage 2 BC....I cannot imagine trying to conceive, working, and a cancer diagnosis.  Give yourself HUGE credit.  You must get a counselor, you are so worth it.  The abuse you had in a past relationship, you DESRVE help.  Thinking of you in the kindest of ways and I give you lots of credit for reaching out to this site.  

  • Offline in reply to Penelope1

    Thank you Penelope1

    The reason why I won't go and see a counsellor is because Ive seen a psychologist and it didn't really do anything for me. It was just a space to talk. I realise it's only me who is going to have to drag myself through this. As long as I have the people in my workplace there for me I'll be fine. I've no doubt people are there for me at home, family etc. 

    As someone said to me today, I got the best Christmas present I could wish for. My manager sent me a lovely text today. Said he is looking forward to seeing me free from all I've been through. (He has a pretty good picture of my past as I unfortunately told him a lot in my emotional distressed state!) I havent had many people say such kind things to me. My colleagues are just the same. I really look forward to the day I can say to everyone in my life that I'm going to be a mother. I really hope that happens. 

    As for giving myself credit, I've never done that. The people in my life and around me mean a lot to me. Again that view comes from my past. I'll never change that. This cancer has destroyed me as a person for now, but hopefully I'll be ok at the end of it.

  • Offline in reply to Coll0042

    Good!  You are so worth having a GREAT life!!!!

  • Offline

    Hi Coll,

    So sorry to read about all that you're going through.

    One aspect of my professional life is coaching managers - helping them to take an objective view of how they can improve. I'm also a cancer patient and know first hand about how scary your situation must feel.

    In my view, you've both (for the best of reasons) stepped beyond the normal limits of a relationship between a line manager and their direct report. For both your sakes, you need to take a step back and get back within those boundaries.

    He has a legal duty of care, regardless of your cancer status, and by telling him that you had suicidal ideation I believe you placed an obligation on him to refer you to Occupational Health and your HR department as this is a safeguarding issue. Legally, you are a vulnerable adult and have certain protections in law. This may sound harsh but he is your manager and not your friend, by acting as your friend he may well have put his career and more importantly your well-being at risk. He sounds like a nice human being but a naive manager who has got out of his depth for all the right reasons.

    Jenn's advice is sound. Talk to your GP - don't be too proud to take any anti-anxiety medications if that is what is prescribed. Talking therapies are great for some people but many of us, me included, have needed anti-anxiety medication to get us through the worst moments especially in the early part of our cancer treatment when our minds haven't fully adjusted to the new reality. Fighting cancer is just as stressful as being a soldier in a war zone - it's just that no-one can see the turmoil we're living through as the bombs and bullets we face are both silent and invisible.

    I wish you all the very best. I hope that your treatment is successful and that you and your manager both come out of this positively.

    Dave 

     

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave 

    Thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. Especially on Christmas day.

    Your thoughts and post is EXACTLY the reason why I have had such anxiety! I put my manager in the most awful position by saying what I said. I don't like to use the word naive, but he has never experienced anyone with cancer before. I have tried my best to help him understand how I'm feeling and what im going through but it's all been so emotional. You are right though, he is such a decent human being. You don't find many people like that.

    He has said in a HR meeting that he won't blur the lines, that there are certain behaviours I must meet at work and (as I said to him) pulls the manager card on me... which I know isn't fair but my head has been in such an awful place during the earlier days of my diagnosis/treatment. I even continued to go to work when I shouldn't have even been there! Ive fainted twice which also scared him/HR. Its been just horrendous.

    However, things seem to be going the right way now (I think.) We had a good chat before breaking up for Christmas. My only real concern is him saying he's going to talk to someone about all this too, be hasn't enjoyed work for the last 3mths (and I have!?!?) he wants to make a contract about how we communicate and the whole people asking about what my fixation with him is!!! (That really *** me off!) All I know is that I've never been in such a difficult place in my life and yet his words to me are also that he is looking forward to seeing me free from all that I have been through. 

    As for talking therapies/anti-anxiety meds... I'm actually doing A LOT better now. I'm concerned about the fact that I have to have infusions until about Nov next year and how that ties in with working, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Having a space to talk may help me, but I just HAVE to put everything behind me. I had a random call one day from a mental health service to assess me but they said that to receive any help I'd have to go on a waiting list for 6-9mths... pointless! I need the help now OR I'm going to have to be strong enough to get myself through all this. I've chosen the latter.

    Happy Christmas to you. Once again thank you for your words.

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